Sunday, December 31, 2017

I've Lost The Music...



2017...

if i could sum it up for you... it would have to be... “the year of weddings”...

this was such an unprecedented thing for me... to have never  been to any real grand hotel wedding ever  ... to attending SEVEN weddings in one year... almost half of them at five star hotels...

i don’t know if i would ever have another year filled with so many weddings again.. but it got me thinking... about how i have a time where i have never experienced something before to experiencing it all out at a moment in time...

my first wedding i attended as an adult was this one... and i got really emotional then because it made me think about all the things i wanted but couldn’t have.. and maybe ive been to one too many weddings this year so that’s why i aint phased by them anymore.. either that... or i’m afraid to come to a safe calculated assumption that maybe... i just don’t believe it will happen for me...

and im not even talking about having a wedding.. i  mean “ yay for Australia !” for being the closest neighbouring country to legalise gay marriage and all... but i mean... i really think i am naturally accepting the fact that i may and will be without a man in my life... and i’m fine with that... i am okay... surprisingly i have learnt to just live life without the hopes of finding that special guy who like even “likes” me and all...

if i could see the writings on the wall.. it would show... me... being uninspired by music anymore... songs just don’t move me like they used to... and music was such a big part of my life... i mean it's still there... but i just don’t feel it... i don’t get excited by it... you can say i’ve lost my passion for it...

again... I’m fine with that... perhaps its just all part of going through the stages of life... and the feeling i get going into 2018... is ... “nothing”...

no new year resolutions... no bucket list to tick off... (although it would still be great to see celine dion live in concert in this lifetime)... but i ain’t crossing my fingers for that to happen.. just like how i ain’t wishing and hoping to have a boyfriend anymore... 

it will be so much easier that way i suppose... just get through this life... enjoy the journey... take one day at a time... be cool calm and collected if the worse is yet to come... but whatever.. i aint gonna fret about that... no expectations... and certainly no hopes and dreams...

so here is to 2018....  as i will be spending my new year’s eve working out in an empty gym... while it rains outside...

:-(

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Going Viral...



my secret is out...

now the entire company  where i work knows....

that i....

can shake my J.LO ASS like BEYONCE!

just how did this come to be you may ask??? well.. it was a mixture of a few things i guess...

i was one of the organising committee of our company’s annual Christmas party ... and i knew in advance that there was gonna be a best dressed competition that night. and i kinda wanted to try win it... i figured.. that since i always look frumpy wearing the same type of chequered shirt and jeans to work... this would be an easy cat in the bag for me if i just wore something "different" for a change... 

the theme of the night was red and black Christmas...

so believe it or not... i wore my SLIM FIT black dress shirt with embroidery sticthing on the front... and bought a pair of SKINNY FIT maroon coloured pants... (yes... i said it... SKINNY FIT )...and matching maroon color tie... and the only reason why i bothered to shop around for the skinny fit pants and even try it on was because i wanted to show that i do have nice shaped legs ... and it was about 70 % stretchy so it was surprisingly comfortable and didn’t make my butt look too big or my thunder thighs pound with lightning... (god only knows just how much i despise skinny fit pants on me... but i just did it anyway)

unfortunately when i got there.. it seemed every other guy there was also in the same black shirt + red tie combo abnd they even tucked in their shirts.... so i knew my chances were totally gone... even though i turned up there being all “special edition “ and all... it just wasn’t enough... and as expected... i wasn’t even nominated as one of the best dressed finalists... it went to a guy who wore a “vest” ... and another guy who wore a “blazer”... and the old guy who apparently was more “special edition” than me...

embarrassing as it may sound... i was so sure i was gonna be nominated that i even practiced my catwalk just in case... because that’s how they decide who wins... by doing a catwalk on stage and getting the loudest cheer from the crowd... and oh how i would have loved to do a real Naomi Campbell catwalk moment...

oh well.. bummer...

but then towards the last quarter of the night where we had to do our silly boring group department choir section... singing “santa clause is comming to town”... i did my hand claps and did the finger points...  but then there was a last minute impromptu moment where we called out big boss director on stage to start dancing with us ... and the song that was playing was DESPACITO..

and all of us on stage did our thing and went along dancing with it as i started to fade out into the background... until big boss director saw me  and suddenly pulled me out from the back and motioned me to dance right at the front of the stage where the spot light was on me...

i was so nervous...

but my heart wasn’t beating fast...

i was calm cool and collected...

i was blinded by the spot lights and felt this wave of magic telling me “it’s now or never”...

and i was thinking there would be nothing more embarrassing than standing out in front of the stage and just looking shy and stiff and awkward and red faced...

so i just gave in...and did my thing...



i showed everyone what i have been doing since i was a little boy for all the late nights in my room when i’m feeling happy, sad or just plain crazy... and i just bumped and grinded my J.LO ASS away to the thumping reggeaton beats of DESPACITO...a song i have been bumping and grinding to for most of the months  long even before the song became famous and got infected with the justin bieber remix to shoot it up to the number 1 song in the world...

now... i cannot put into words... just how shocked ,crazy and deafening everyone in the crowd and even the ones on stage with me were... it’s really all a blurr to me now... and i really don’t remember that much of it... but i put the moves on that stage... shaking it and even TWERKING at one point... (oh dear lord)....

so yes... everybody had their hand phones out... and now ... my” dancing moment” video has gone viral throughout our company whatsapp group chat ... with everybody shocked to see me that way... asking if i was high ? or had a little too much to drink?... all still in disbelief... with the constant comment by everyone telling me that they never knew i could dance so well...

that was just me... being me really... 

i just don’t show that side of me at the workplace...

but i do hope this moment can be forgotten as soon as possible... because i still have to go to the office and be stiff, uptight, reserved, shy and soft spoken N!loC...

hey! at least now i know how it feels like to go viral


 :-)

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Sniff and Sniff...



a few months back i had my first stranger's sweaty gym shirt sniffing experience... and i guess I'm back at it again... because... if a guy leaves his freshly seasoned gym shirt lying on the counter just beside me then hops in the the cubicle for a quick shower... how can i not take a sniff of his shirt right?

i mean... c'mon.. is it just me? or are guys just asking for it ?.... 

anyways... there have been these 2 guys who work at the gym as personal trainers... and i have seen them around for quite some time.. but they have never ever worn a tanktop... therefore.. i have never ever seen their pits before... 

one fine saturday i went to the gym at an awkward time around noon... just after finishing a mini shopping spree... and these 2 personal trainers just clocked in their shift and started working out... so by the time i finished my own exercise "moment" (because i don't really "work out"... like a real dude... i just have exercise "moments") ... i stepped in and out of the shower... and was just about to blow dry my hair...

personal trainer 1 (who i shall deem "Pompadour" due to his thick black manly head of hair)... comes on walking by.. sets his back pack down on the counter beside me... takes off his shirt... throws it on the counter... and hops in the shower...

.... and so i looked at his red t shirt... it was just staring at me... just calling out my name... "smell me colin"..."i need u to take me and sniff me now"... drawing me in like a moth to a flame... i then made sure nobody else was in the locker room area... and stole my first sniff... i didn't think... i didn't expect... i just went it straight for the under arm area... and was pleasantly surprised but also disappointed at the same time... because his scent was fully cloaked by a deo or body spray... and his eau naturale scent was no where to be detected...

he came out of the shower.. and i finally realized that i was seeing him shirtless for the first time... and he had beautiful chest hair... and a fine fine toned body...

he took out a deo roll... and swiped both his pits ... then took out a body spray... and spiffed each pit yet again... (which probably explains how he cloaked his own natural man scent away)... by doubling up on the pit perfuming....

so... this is a man... a real man... who just comes out of the shower... with a towel wrapped around his waist... roll on pits.. body spray... and some hair gel... and then he's set ...while i on the other hand... looking myself at the mirror... came out of the shower... fully clothed already... in my oversized red t shirt.. and black baggy knee length shorts... and daintily.. taking out a cotton pad... to apply clinique facial toner on my face... 

i really had no time to even feel insecure about myself... let alone... ironically make fun of the fact that ... he and me are 2 very different guys standing side by side in front of the counter mirror... (if i can even consider myself a guy ... really...)

and yes... if seeing him shirtless for the first time wasn't mesmerizing enough... i saw both his hairy pits too ! ( boy.. what i wouldn't do to be that deo roll-on of his...).. and just as he whisked himself away... never really knowing what magic he had sprinkled upon this virginal little boy... then comes in personal trainer number 2.... (who i shall deem "pretty eyes".. because man... does he have eyes which i could stare at like fORevEr...)

suddenly ... he barbarically strips off his shirt (just like tarzan)... then before i could process the fact that he actually had a 6 pack... (which you could never even tell under his t shirt at all!)...  he then stripped off his shorts... and revealed his "birds of paradise" rain forest design undies... (which creepy as it sounds... i know for a fact that he got from H&M)...  yes... i have a photographic memory...and remeber it clearly when i was there snooping around the men's undies section to look at all the gorgeous naked underwear male models on the boxes...

i didn't get to see his pit though... because my eye balls were probably having a mini seizure in my eye sockets... as i was trying to admire his 6 pac... but at the same time trying not to get caught by him by staring too obviously...

he then did a few mr universe poses and flexes checking out his own broad shoulders and rocking hard back...and that is when i just had to grab my things and go... for i don't know how much longer i could endure the mesmerizing overdose of raw man beauty face to mirror to body...

but just as i was on my way out... i heard that he hopped in the shower... and the water started running...

(sigh...)

so i made a U-turn... and set my things back on the changing room counter... and proceeded to "pretend" to blow dry my already fluffy blow dried hair... and noticed... he too... just left his grey t shirt on the counter... and saw very faint outline of a sweat stain on the under arm area... (i mean. like... where else am i possibly gonna be zooming in on? like... C'MON??)

and... so i stole a sniff of his manliness .... and just like "Pompadour"... "pretty eyes" also had no trail of obvious natural body odor... only a cover up of deo or cologne of some sort...

my god... is this what beautiful smells like? 

2 sniffs back to back.. yet it's so bittersweet that i don't have a man of my own .. to sniff his sweaty shirts whenever i want... where ever i want...

:-/ 
  

Sunday, December 3, 2017

The Story Of German Sausage...



i was driving in my car and this song comes on the radio... it’s that song from the movie JERSEY BOYS...  “oh what a night”...  so upbeat.. so jolly...  so happy... and suddenly something brings me right back to a moment ..  flash back moment i associated that song with an experience i had a couple years back... with a guy infamously nicknamed...

he was one of those guys... who i had a really great instant online connection with... we shared alot of things in common (kink wise)... and also philosophy and ideas of what a great relationship should be... and as pointed out in a blog post i did a long time ago that briefly included him... somehow... all the starts aligned for us to meet up in KL...and he was flying all the way from germany... during my birthday out of all coincidences... 

i was having a milestone birthday that year... and i decided to do something wild and adventurous... i guess... so i decided i should go there and have some fun... knowing damn well that he was in a committed relationship... not exactly an open relationship but guys will be guys... and i threw out one of my principle criteria’s out the window... and that was to never be involved with a guy in a relationship...

on the day we met... he personally wore a black tanktop... just for me... and that put such a BIG GRIN on my face... ! (sigh)...

he was nice...
he was kind...
he was gentle... and my god was he a gentleman...
he was talkative...
he was caring...

he was kind...

he was nice...

and nice guys don’t come into my life very often... and suddenly i had this one...  right before me... but astoundingly aware that he was here... not only for me... but as a vacation... without his significant other... and knowing that he was also meeting other boys for "fun"...

call me stupid for just letting myself over think and dream about things and possibilities that could happen... even as far as thinking that he leaving his partner to be with me... ( a real stretch i know..) but that was how i felt about the whole situation...

i honestly had such a good time with him... and more importantly ... WE had a good time together... he even remembered that it was my birthday and got me a little gift... a box of strawberry yogurt covered chocolate bars... that left a very sweet lingering and sentimental taste in my heart for him...

i even got a little choked up and teary eyed when it was time for me to go and leave for the airport... thinking to myself... “man... he is such a great guy.... if only we could be boyfriends”...

***

we stayed in touch for a bit after that... then not surprisingly we stopped contacting each other... (here is where the “poof into a cloud of dust” moment comes in)...

i sent him this pic because it illustrated him and me so perfectly...

and he never replied...

almost exactly a year later... i found out through snooping around on his facebook page... that he was in KL yet again...  almost in disbelief and confusion... i wondered why he didn’t even tell me he was comming down again... my first initial thought was that maybe he was here with his partner... or maybe he just didn’t enjoy the time we spent together ?... that was highly improbable.. but not impossible ?... or maybe i really was just a trick to him... but then again... wasn’t i ??? ... but i'm honestly certain we shared something much more special than just a few kinky nights together?... (and the thoughts just kept on flowing...) incoherently driving my mind up the wall of CRAZY EX GIRLFRIEND...

i was bitter... and deep down ... so angry about it... yet scared at the same time... for how can someone could say things to your face like “this feeling like heaven” and ... “that was the most amazing orgasm of my life”... to ... “ i’m going to miss u so much...” ... to just making me feel like i never even existed... 

if my walls weren’t already up... my walls were definitely FORTIFIED after that... and to add insult to injury... on a completely different note altogether...  another guy i knew ...known as the infamous “J”... suddenly un friended me on facebook... after i wrote a POEM about me being happy for him...

WTF ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

2 blows around the same time... got me all dazed and horrified at how guys that you can invest so much of yourself into... over the years... could just simply... throw you away ?

i was so depressed... i lost all hope... i lost all faith in humanity... i was so bewildered by it all that i almost quit my job because i was just so unhappy.... 

i wanted to retire... 

from life... 

then and there... 

and maybe that’s why it has taken me this long to write about german sausage... because... the memories i have of him and the experience... were so amazing ... yet heart breaking... through it all...

i will always remember him... because this was the one and only time i took snaps of our moments of kinky passion as per his request... 


funny how a man could be bound and compromised... yet... i was truly the one at the mercy of him...

:-(

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