Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Deja Vu...



(continued from "Hot Buff Tanktop Gym Guy")

nothing.... 

or maybe nothing YET? ..AHA!

so as i kept doing the crazy over the top ocd checking my phone every 3 seconds thing... i went to triple check back on my out going friend requests to see if my request was actually sent ... (you know how it is with facebook... big social networking websites make mistakes all the time right?)

there was no out going request...  i knew facebook screwed me over... so i went over to hot buff tanktop gym guy’s fb to actually send my friend request and this time actually click it real good... but there it was...before my very eyes...

the “+ add friend “ option was not in dark grey but in LIGHT GREY... and not available for me to click anymore...

that was it ... i got my answer... i don’t know if he blocked me. or clicked ignored ... but c’mon... who’s kidding who?... that’s basically the same thing in my book...

i was like a moth to a flame ... burned by the fire...

all these questions ran through my head... why? how come? why not? what if ? but ?... i mean... if my hopes to step out of my shell and comfort zone to go out and get what i want overpowers and blinds my gut instincts then i think that maybe it’s best i just stop this whole thing...

this whole thing of... hoping that maybe... just MAYBE.... there will come a day when i catch a break from all this crashing and burning... one jerk after another... no rhyme or reason... it just is what it is.... my jaded love life... that just doesn’t seem to be able to exist in this lifetime... or any parallel universe...

in this world i live in... every one is a jerk... and everyone is a heartless bitch... (that may not always be the case)... but that’s just how it seems to be for me... so i guess that’s all that matters ... because then that becomes my world...

this is my world...

and for the very first time as i was walking the aisles of the grocery store.. i noticed something different about myself..

i didn’t even bother to look around and scout up and about for cute guys in tanktops or just cute guys... or just GUYS in general... i’m too beaten down with what the cards of my love life has dealt me... and now in turn i've become too afraid to lift my head up high to even look at the cute guy who is helping me bag my groceries...

as the days went by... i found myself looking the other way...

away from guys in tanktops... why even look at them ? what’s the use in dreaming? ... what’s the use in hoping?... what’s the point of putting on a smile ?

i don't even trust myself anymore... maybe i just long for something so much that what is see is some sort of possibility in everything... a young boy at heart with virginal optimism for the outlook of love... when in fact i'm just probably looking at guys who just see me in complete disdain thinking that i'm just a creepy dick that likes to stare at guys or something...

and honest to god... as i proof read and type out these last closing words to this blog post... i just had a deja vu moment where i know for a fact that this was supposed to happen... i had a flashback of looking at the "+ add friend" option turning light grey... feeling my heart just sink to the ground  and waking up from a dream or something... 

if this is how my life is supposed to play out... fine then....

life... just play me...

:-(

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