Monday, July 24, 2017

Origins...



as the song started playing on the radio this morning while driving in my car.... i immediately sang along to it and knew the words (jamican accent and all)... then subconsciously flashed back to a particular memory when i was younger...and that memory was of the music video for the song "LIES" by Diana King...  

and it brought me back... it brought me way back alright... 

it was one of my earliest recollections of a moment of being exposed to such mesmerizing physical attraction...

through the years i have been casually trying to find the actual music video to the song but apparently the ORIGINAL video has somehow been edited or something... and the "ORIGINAL" original (slightly more 18 SX uncut version ) was nowhere to be found... until tonight...


this was the scene i remembered seeing that totally took me for a F#$k ride... it was the start of something so beautiful... and just a taste of things to come... i was so banged up that  this particular scene was no where to be found in all the uploaded videos on youtube. i almost kinda thought i must have somehow immaculately conceptualized it in my memory.... i thought i must have been dreaming all these years... seriously...


but at last... it was not a dream... it was a reality... and thank god for my photographic memory... i mean... you think i could really forget a scene where a hot sweaty shirtless guy whose wrists are strung from the ceiling of a dark and dingy jail cell with someone's face THIS CLOSE to his gorgeous pits?????

which got me thinking.... i suppose that really was the moment that planted the seed in me... my god... MTV... the things u do to kids... lol

so yeah... my love for bondage took it's first baby step from there... and that is actually just one of my fav bondage positions of all time... which got me thinking further... 

how did my love for tickling evolve from armpits and bondage?

and.... enter.... an innocent "disney like" movie called "GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE" 

ok wait... i just googled it... and it is in fact a DISNEY movie.... (oh boy... disney... the things you do to kids).... lol...

yes... i bought the bootleg dvd mainly because it was a shirtless hunk acting like tarzan... swing ing around from tree to tree in his leopard print loin cloth ... i mean.. c'mon! there was bound to be a scene where i could see a clear money shot of his hairy pits !!! (and there were indeed many!)

but boy oh boy... did i get more than i bargained for... because there was this particular scene that totally aroused me like ahwoooOOOOO gahhhh!

  
yes ... a very fit and tanned brendan fraser was ganged up by 2 bad guys... skinny bad guy got him in a full nelson from behind ... (making me yearn to be that skinny bad guy)...while the fatty bad guy did this...


MAKING ME YEARN TO BE THAT F#%^$&!NG FATTY BAD GUY !!!! URGH!!!!

oh the look on skinny bad guy's face.. as he holds up poor sexy brendan fraser while he gets a little tickle tickle and boo boo punches to his 6 pack abs... oh... the look on skinny bad guy's face... he sure is enjoying it isn't he.... 

i can only embarrass myself if i told you just how many times i wanked off to that particular scene ON LOOP ... so yeah... i guess that's why i love tickle torture so much... so so so so so... sooo oh so much...and if i'm being totally honest here... i am now seeing the origin of what could very well be perhaps my next evolution curve of my kinky fetishism.... 

(if you watched closely... what does fatty bad guy do after tickling him silly ???)

and voila! ...  i guess that explains why i have a dedicated folder in my vault of porn called GUT PUNCHING VIDEOS !!!!!   .... (1...2.......and 3..............and counting)...

lol... oh my goodness.... i hope wherever my kinky evolution wants to take me... i just hope that it's a fantasy that i can make a reality...  and i am so very proud to say that i have lived out a good chunk of those fantasies... some not exactly the way i'd imagined... but close enough... to honestly say i can die with a kinkily fulfilled sex life... well my sex life is virtually non existent (always has been )... so i'll just call it... kinkily fulfilled sex "experiences"...

kinkaholic : origins...

thank you and good night.... 
   

Saturday, July 1, 2017

When This World Ain't Got Love For You...



still spend lazy sundays at the gym... 
trying to work out more...
always thinking that being trim and slim... 
is the way for sure...
still keep recon on my phone...
just for something...
answer ones that’s knocking at my door...
to say nothing...

when this world ain’t got love for you...
there’s no damn thing you can do...
you can be ; 
a bird that’s flying... 
a selfie smiling... 
a boy that’s trying...
to make all his dreams come true...
but this world ain’t got love for you...

still spending the weekends at the mall... 
to keep myself occupied...
catch early bird movies in an empty hall...
cuz it’s kinda what i like...
still scrolling down facebook every night...
before i sleep...
blogging feelings of poems that i write...
like it’s that deep...

when this world ain’t got love for you...
there’s no damn thing you can do...
it can stop ;
your sun from shining...
your words from rhyming...
there’s no denying...
there’s no damn thing you can do...
when this world ain’t got love for you...


~ by N!LoC ~

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Happiness...



down at the rainbow dreams cafe...i met a boy with "hope" in his hands...
he said “i’m a little bit confused & i’m not quite sure where i am”...

he said “i’m trying to find this place...i’ve been trying to find it for the longest time”...
and then he frowned and looked away and asked me if i heard of “happiness”...

i told him that finding it could take a while...
a windy road about 900 miles...
cross the river of tears longer than the nile...
stop and stare when u see your first smile...

make sure you accept yourself for being gay...
don’t regret about the one that got away...
Experience heartbreak with the man called “j”...
if you get lost...remember that you can always pray...

he said “i think i understand... i better go before the clouds come down”...
because it’s hard to see the light & i just don’t trust my heart anymore”...

i said “good luck” and watched him leave... he walked away and then disappeared...
just another weary dreamer like so many who can’t find what they’re looking for...

there are so many bumps along the way...
i really hope that he’s gonna be okay...
i should have told him... but i think he knows...
that in life... that’s just how it goes...

so many souls that just get turned around...
wondering why that "love" just can’t be found...
oh boy it’s a long long road of loneliness...
because it sure ain’t easy finding happiness...


~ by N!LoC ~


Thursday, June 1, 2017

Try...



why am i still single ? 
they all pitifully ask...
that question always baffles me...
an answer i never seem to have...

maybe it's just my ill fate...
or my sad unwilling destiny...
to walk this life alone...
as a single separate entity... 

being gay is not my excuse...
i know gay friends who’ve found their own...
it seems to be they live the life...
for me that life is reasons unknown...

fridae...
jack'd...
planet romeo and grindr...

recon...
 silver daddies...
 and even a paid matchmaker...

i did the clubs & i did the bars...
still doing the gyms where i got my last scar...
so with my broken wings forever longing to fly...  
DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME THAT I NEVER EVEN TRY...


~ by N!LoC ~

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Bedtime Story...



this feeling of loneliness tonight...
:-( 
that's how i feel...

i'm not even putting up a fight...
:-(
that's how i feel...

scared to go to bed...
cuz its hard to fall asleep...
knowing all these thoughts in my head...
as i sink underneath the sheets...

i smile...
only out of bewilderment...
this is my bedtime story for tonight...
of love... life... and all its glory...

my bewildered smile...
of my own bedtime story...

~ by N!LoC ~



Monday, May 22, 2017

Touch A Six Pack...



i never really made a bucket list for this year... but i'm mighty proud of myself for finally completing last year's list... 

i honestly didn't think i could touch a six pack in this life time... but i did.... and it was amazing...


Saturday, May 6, 2017

Death Of A Dreamer...



Do I look lonely?
I see the clouds over my head...
mirrors have told me...
I don't look the same...
Maybe I gained weight...
or i look older...
The bulge on my waist...
puts a frown on my face...
How do I live?

The death of a dreamer...
Oh...Letting that feather fall...
The death of a dreamer...
Oh ...it seems so fitting for...
Happily NEVER after...ooo
are there any more?
a lifetime of jerks...
At the expense.... 
of a death of a dreamer...

I'm cutting my heart off...
Feels like my soul is going to burst...
having an ice cream for two...
i know that’s a little absurd...
And when they all look at me...
I am the best they'll never have!!!
have one more look at me...
I smile even though i’m sad...

I'm taking the low road...
Watching the sky fall...
guys on HGTV... 
they strangle my breath...
How do I live?

The death of a dreamer...
Oh...Letting that feather fall...
The death of a dreamer...
Oh ...it seems so fitting for...
Happily NEVER after...ooo
are there any more?
a lifetime of jerks...
At the expense....
of a death of a dreamer...

~ By N!LoC ~

Sunday, April 16, 2017

The Road...




DEAR ROB ~ the one that got away...

VIETNAMESE GUY ~ my very first date... EVER...

MR TANKTOP ~ the man who got me into a public restroom...

THE STALKER ~ the boy who said those magic words...

PLAYER ~ the almost "first" boyfriend experience...

J ~ the one that shook my world...

OSAMA ~ that crazy terrorist :-)

THE HIPPIE ~ the rebound that never was...


GRINDR BOY ~ the boy who took one look at me...

CRAZY PSYCHO ~ the boy that wasn't the one in his picture...

UNCLE QUEEN ~ the uncle that kissed me in public...

FANNY ~ the friend through it all...

FATTY ~ the guy who expected something in return... 

DRAMA QUEEN ~ the one bad experience after the next...

BRITISH UNCLE ~  the one where nothing happened...

DAMES ~ the guy who deleted me all because i liked "kink"...

SUB GUY ~ mr first real bondage experience...

MOMMA'S BOY ~ the boy who wanted to be boyfriends...

LAB BOY ~ the guy who didn't appreciate my april' fools day prank...

MR 6 PAC ~ the one that was too good to be true...

J 2.0 ~ the guy who wrecked star wars for me...

OZ BEEFCAKE ~ the one night i'll never ever forget...

SKINNY GUY ~ the guy that actually got me hard...

THE TERMINATOR ~ the man who made me cry like a baby...

THE JERK ~ the boy who almost had his way with me...

J 3.0 ~ the one that never got to recieve my xmas gift...

KINKY COLONEL SANDERS ~ the pre prelude to german sausage...

KINKY STINKY GUY ~ the prelude to german sausage...


GERMAN SAUSAGE ~ the man who i never wrote about... (maybe one day...)... 

SUGAR DADDY ~ the man who told me to just let things "happen"...

SCAMMER ~ the guy who tried to scam me for $$$...

ARMY GUY ~ the guy who could have been...

ANCIENT DINOSAUR ~ the old man who was allegedly a boy molester...

TWO FACE ~ the perfect date that had a twisted ending...


GYM GUY ~ the guy who's "just not that into me"...

TICKLE TOY ~ the one i had the hardest time turning down... 

TICKLE TOY 2.0 ~ the christmas surprise i never expected...

COACH DINOSAUR ~ a surprisingly nice old man... 

HOT BUFF TANKTOP GYM GUY ~ the cherry on top that made me lose all faith...

SKINNY SEXY UNCLE ~ the very first 6 pack i ever touched...


Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Deja Vu...



(continued from "Hot Buff Tanktop Gym Guy")

nothing.... 

or maybe nothing YET? ..AHA!

so as i kept doing the crazy over the top ocd checking my phone every 3 seconds thing... i went to triple check back on my out going friend requests to see if my request was actually sent ... (you know how it is with facebook... big social networking websites make mistakes all the time right?)

there was no out going request...  i knew facebook screwed me over... so i went over to hot buff tanktop gym guy’s fb to actually send my friend request and this time actually click it real good... but there it was...before my very eyes...

the “+ add friend “ option was not in dark grey but in LIGHT GREY... and not available for me to click anymore...

that was it ... i got my answer... i don’t know if he blocked me. or clicked ignored ... but c’mon... who’s kidding who?... that’s basically the same thing in my book...

i was like a moth to a flame ... burned by the fire...

all these questions ran through my head... why? how come? why not? what if ? but ?... i mean... if my hopes to step out of my shell and comfort zone to go out and get what i want overpowers and blinds my gut instincts then i think that maybe it’s best i just stop this whole thing...

this whole thing of... hoping that maybe... just MAYBE.... there will come a day when i catch a break from all this crashing and burning... one jerk after another... no rhyme or reason... it just is what it is.... my jaded love life... that just doesn’t seem to be able to exist in this lifetime... or any parallel universe...

in this world i live in... every one is a jerk... and everyone is a heartless bitch... (that may not always be the case)... but that’s just how it seems to be for me... so i guess that’s all that matters ... because then that becomes my world...

this is my world...

and for the very first time as i was walking the aisles of the grocery store.. i noticed something different about myself..

i didn’t even bother to look around and scout up and about for cute guys in tanktops or just cute guys... or just GUYS in general... i’m too beaten down with what the cards of my love life has dealt me... and now in turn i've become too afraid to lift my head up high to even look at the cute guy who is helping me bag my groceries...

as the days went by... i found myself looking the other way...

away from guys in tanktops... why even look at them ? what’s the use in dreaming? ... what’s the use in hoping?... what’s the point of putting on a smile ?

i don't even trust myself anymore... maybe i just long for something so much that what is see is some sort of possibility in everything... a young boy at heart with virginal optimism for the outlook of love... when in fact i'm just probably looking at guys who just see me in complete disdain thinking that i'm just a creepy dick that likes to stare at guys or something...

and honest to god... as i proof read and type out these last closing words to this blog post... i just had a deja vu moment where i know for a fact that this was supposed to happen... i had a flashback of looking at the "+ add friend" option turning light grey... feeling my heart just sink to the ground  and waking up from a dream or something... 

if this is how my life is supposed to play out... fine then....

life... just play me...

:-(

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Hot Buff Tanktop Gym Guy...



there was this hot guy i was eyeing at the gym for sometime... and only really noticed him in detail when he started to join my regular LATINO JAM classes... i mean even before... when i saw him working out the weights in his Abercrombie t shirt (with sleeves)... i noticed he had a face that i was attracted to... and a body that would make any gay boy’s jaw drop... from time to time... he would glance at me... and i would glance back with my poker face... trying to ignite my gaydar to check if he was giving me any gay vibes...

the weeks went on.. till the day he wore a TANKTOP to one of the classes... and that was when i would zoom in on him at the back of the room... admiring his amazingly defined arms and shoulders trying so hard to concentrate if he had any side pit hairs peeking out.... 

i stared at him.. he kinda stared back at me... i stared just a wee bit to long for comfort.... and had to look away because if i stared at him for even a split second longer.. i would have melted into a puddle of glitter-glue...

during the class when we did 360* turn moves... i turned around and caught a glimpse of him raising his arms and yes... his pits... (Although were completely shaved)... were indeed a parallel beauty to heaven...

one sweet night ... fresh after writing a burning post called “I DON’T”... which now i see that i wrote a line ...

 "I DON’T want to take chances with anyone anymore..."

it must have slipped my mind because... what i was feeling was definitely a crush towards him.. and i haven’t had a crush on anyone in a looong looooonnnnnnng time... so i said to myself... i don’t think i would be able to get him off my mind until i know for sure... if he is even gay or not... i somehow tracked down his cell phone number through a zumba class whatsapp chat group and cross referenced his initials of his whatsapp profile name TC... and did a 6* degrees of separation search on facebook... i know his first name is definately  "thomas"... because the dance intructor did call out his name once saying "hey! thomas! good to see ya bro!"...

(im realizing how this now sounds a whole lot creepy and stalkerish as i type it out.. but hey whatever ... a girls’ gotta get some answers ya know? lol) 

i actually found his fb profile... (and my god... he looks so much better in person... his pics don’t do any justice for him at all..)... i scanned through his “likes” , public photos , groups , fb friends  and videos faster than Robocop could scan though a bad guy with a weapon... and secured all the hard facts that makes him 99.9% gay..

1 gay mutual friend in common – check

cheeky pose in a tank top at the gym selfie – check

bright colored flowery t shirt with sexy as hell “top gun” aviator shades selfie – check check

but once i saw the fb pages that he was following which basically consisted hot shirtless guys... i think it was more than safe to say that : 

“AFFIRMATIVE... SUBJECT TARGET IS GAY AND FABULOUS”

and before i clicked  “+ Add Friend” something went off in my head... a flash of my future with him... all the endless possibilities... but strangely also... flashes of danger signs... and i thought whoa... what if he doesn’t even approve my friend request? i mean... that’s really my face on my fb profile... i go to the same gym as him... and now most days the same latino jam classes... what if things were to get awkward ... i don’t want to shit where i eat!.... (in this case... flirt with fire where i go exercise)... 

but i also promised myself a long time before... after my very first crush of colossal proportions... "Dear Rob" which i never even got to find out if he was even gay or not... which took me way too long to get over and not blame myself for not having the guts to find out when i still had the chance.. and never got to know all the “what could have beens” with him...

so i took a leap of faith... and played a shot of Russian roulette and sent hot buff tanktop gym guy a friend request on his fb... and to make sure i won’t obsess over this and drive myself crazy checking my phone ever 3 seconds to see if he approved my request... i gave myself... 3 WORKING DAYS... (that’s a Friday – Saturday and Sunday) for him to approve my friend request... if not... i would just have to accept the fact that he may not want to know me and so i would have to cancel my friend request...

i didn’t even have to give him 3 working days.. because the very next morning from the moment i woke up ... i was already checking my phone every 3 seconds to see if i could get to see the notification that could possibly change my love life forever...

and what i saw was...



Sunday, March 5, 2017

I Don't...



if i close this door ... will another door open? .... well one can never be too sure

because i have closed one too many doors already and i felt that keeping this particular one ajar was really  my last resort that i trust and had a great track record with...

well it’s not turning out to be the case anymore...

i just don’t know what to do... people don’t seem to be who they really seem to be... they tell you one thing one day and then just forget about you the next ... NOBODY seems to be real anymore...

NOBODY !!!

i throw caution to the wind... i am weary of the fake-ness and listen to my gut instincts always... but i always feel like a complete FOOL when i get hurt by someone... I DON’T even know being a complete jerk towards me and all...

I DON’T want to feel that way anymore...

I DON’T want to take chances with anyone anymore...

i just DON'T...

(and to quote that new Mariah song...)



Saturday, February 18, 2017

Encore...



i dream...
i dream... 
i still dream some more...

i still dream of a heaven... for a man to adore...

but i’m just drifting...
drifting...
drifting away...

 Endlessly drifting... every night and day...

i want this to end... 
stop... 
halt... 
no more...

let go of this dream... and forget the encore...


By ~ N!LoC


Saturday, February 11, 2017

A Shot Of Heaven...



it's been a loooong time since i last "shot" out... and i mean .. literally "shoot".... out of myself...

but this was one of those times where kinky porn videos can never compare to what a holy moley orgasm i just had...

see...i came across this music video on youtube ... and it totally brought me back to my days of totally being infatuated with any guy in a tanktop i see on MTV...

the australian boy band is called "Human Nature"... and they were kinda huge in the time of 90's boyband era... they were pretty much the N'Sync of australia...and they were huge in asia too...

and as i remembered seeing this video for the very first time with my sweet young virginal soul ...

i was soooo mesmerized by that one guy in the black tank top... with his handsome prince charming face and his broad shoulders and thick sexy top build... and ## years later... i'm still just as mesmerized... by him... (and yes i actually still like the catchy song too... so mid 90's alanis morrisette / meredith brooks #bitch)...

and with that... i thought i was high enough to jack off for a second time that night... but while looking through my great vault of porn videos... i thought... why not just jack off to that music video... i mean.. he is in a tank top pretty much through out the entire video anyways...

so i did...

and boy oh boy what a shot of heaven it was...

no naked hot guy blindfolded and bound up in bondage cuffs with pits exposed and tickled... no perverted hands molesting any sexy sweaty body... 

nope... just a hot guy in a music video... who jolted back sweet memories from the back side of my brain... dancing and grinding ridiculously in a black tank top to a feel good tune that brings me back to my 90's hey days of discovering my gay self...

my gay and black tanktop & jeans and hairy armpit and white meat loving self....  

sigh....

:-)



Tellin' Everybody ~ Human Nature

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Snap 2.0...





i have been craving pits lately...

craving it so badly...

and there is no way for me to satisfy this craving...

what's a boy to do ?

:-(

Friday, January 20, 2017

Friends...



someone just told me today...

“ that’s why you don’t have friends”...

it was in a joking context... i took it with a grain of salt... but ... i have to admit... it did really sting abit... and it has lingered with me throughout the day... which has brought me to write my very first post of the year...

this is not the kind of post i would like to begin the year with... but i guess its just inescapable how bleak my moments are... (said like Mariah)...

"maybe thats why you don’t have friends"...

& MAYBE thats why i don’t have relationships?...

in a past post i did write about this... simply called “i have no friends”...

and how ironic is it that i am also in the midst of binge watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S... and falling in love with ross all over again... (even more this time around...if that’s even possible)

words do really hurt... and it will hurt even more if u let it get to you...

put that wall up... don’t let it down... because the very moment you do... 


(said like Mariah once again...)

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