Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Singled Out...



i have always been one to feel like a black sheep... the outsider... the different one... the weird one even... but i can't help but feel like the gay world is having me singled out... (yes .. alittle dramatic i know.. but that's just me...)

recently i wrote about a very bittersweet experience with a gay "community" facebook group... and now it has amazingly happened yet again...!

this time... it was some silly "gay dating" facebook page where you post a selfie with your basic intro to get the ball rolling... but somehow my post just went pending for a week... and then apparently got rejected ...

so i tried again... and same thing happened...

so i commented on the main thread ,,, and apparently there were lots of the usual sleazy comments on there and some cyber bullying and sarcastic remarks... but i just stated my case...

"i posted twice ... and was pending forever and then for whatever reason... my posts got rejected...?"

then i got notified about new comments on that thread.(even though i already left the group)... i went to see the  new comments ... and noticed... to no surprise... my comment was deleted... but yet.. what i found astonishingly ironic was.. the sarcastic cyber bullying remarks and back and forth banter that was still going on there...

my comment got deleted... but the hate speech stays?...

really can't help but feel like the gay world is really against me... singling me out...

but oh well.. i've had black rainy clouds hang over my head many times before...and my skin is just too thick to feel bad for myself anymore....

i'll survive...

(oh... & i won't pull a "jada pinkett smith" and boycott facebook ... lol)

Saturday, March 12, 2016

SIN : The Untold Story Part 6...




so.. time to go to the airport.. and.. yeah... (we took the train)... and remember that little disclaimer about the train card in PART 2 of this story? well this is where it makes it's fabulously dramatic encore appearance...

yesterday at the train station... his card (which was my extra card that i borrowed to him to use during this trip)... didn’t have sufficient amount to use for the ride... so he had to top it up... and the minimum top up amount was $10...

he had to check in at terminal 3... i had to go to terminal 1... so we decided to have a quick farewell brunch at terminal 2 after both of us checked in at our respective terminals....and when we met back up at terminal 2...  the first thing he said was... that i “OWED HIM” the remaining 7 bucks that was on the train card balance....

........?............. 

???................ ?

(wha?) ....... 

well he certainly wasn’t joking...

i mean... yeah... throughout this entire trip we went dutch always... not because we agreed to... but mainly because it was just his way i guess... the only time he treated me for a meal was at the ramen place ... (the place where we had our very first meal together)

WELL OFCOURSE he paid for my meal then... he actually said so when he offered to pay.. 

"i'll pay for this one because you let me use your train card"...

it was only because i let him use my extra preloaded train card which had about $10 or so left in it?...

these were our last moments together... and i was determined to have only good memories about it to look back on... so again... i just brushed it off... numbing the awkward moment where i had to pay him back the $7 bucks that i “owed” him...

we then had brunch at a nice little food court where he wanted to have his favourite Singapore laksa dish one last time... but i already had it all planned out...

i wanted to get him a gift... something nice... something that would leave a lasting impression on him.. but most of all....something that was thoughtful...and i knew early on what would be the perfect gift for him...

**see.. every morning... before he did his wake up stretches and bed side workouts... he would make this nasty concoction of 3 in 1 coffee mix.. with an extra pack of black coffee powder... and 3 more packets of this supermarket grade ginger tea powder... and i would always look at him with this playful disgusted grossed out face.... but then he would take the first sip of it and go... "hmmmmmmmmmm"... (he said it’s the combination of ginger tea and spiciness that makes the strong coffee flavor pop!...)...

and so... while he was enjoying his bowl of Singapore laksa.. i excused myself to go to the toilet... but instead i rushed downstairs to TWG... to get this delicate fresh NATURAL blend of spice infused ginger tea... (which i already scouted out secretly while he was using the toilet when we were at shoppes @ marina bay sands the other day)... which does come with a hefty price tag for a box of 15 tea bags...

so after his lovely tea was wrapped up nicely in complete with fancy TWG embossed ribbon.. i made my way up back to surprise him with it... and his reaction was priceless..... he looked at it a bit confused ...like (is this for me?)... (what?) ...and then he said...

“ i didn’t know we were supposed to give each other gifts?.. oh no.. should i give you your 7 dollars back?”....

........?.........

ok ? maybe his reaction wasn't priceless...it came with a $7 refund...

i really couldn’t understand what just happened... it was like i was experiencing a bad twilight zone day... and so i just smiled and said... “oh no.. it’s fine?”.... (Because it really seemed that he wasn’t joking about giving me the $7 (train card) balance back  for it)...

so when it was finally time to say our goodbyes.. i walked him off to the sky train departure to terminal 3... we hugged... and as the sky train arrived... i smiled from the bottom of my heart... and watched him walk away...

as he got into the sky train...i was still standing there with my hand up ready to wave goodbye to him... awkwardly waiting.. for him to turn around.. to look back at me... to just turn around... and look back at me... just turn around.... look back at me.....

(sigh...)

....he never did turn around to look back at me..... and the train just scooted off leaving me hanging with my hand up waving to nobody...

i felt weird... i felt something funny happening... a funny feeling... i felt like ....

i was gonna cry...

but why?... i just couldn’t process the jumbled up emotions that i was feeling at that moment in time... so i went over to a secluded part of the departure hall shopping area... where they stored all the handicapped wheel chairs by the stairs... away from the flow of people coming and going...

i took out my phone and called up my good online friend once again... and while trying to explain the strange moments that just happened that morning...

i just couldn't hold it in anymore......

so i let myself cry then and there sobbing uncontrollably like a little boy.....


:-(


Friday, March 11, 2016

SIN : The Untold Story Part 5...



continued from PART 4...

on our last night in Singapore... we did some last minute shopping... and he said he wanted to go back to uniqlo to get something else... (mind you... he bought like 4 tanktops there because of me..and my asian persuasion...)... 

so were back at the tanktop section... but this time.. he asked me if i wore a size “S”... (gosh.. i thought he was gonna get me a tanktop!!??).... but then he added.. i’m buying it for a “friend”...

ME: oh?  a “friend” ?  is he my size?... 

HIM : yeah.. but a little smaller than you..

ME: how old is he?

HIM: 19...

ME : (thinking to myself... a “friend”... eh? a 19year old “Friend” who is like 35 years your junior... who likes to wear bright colored tanktops???)...

he went and bought 2 size “XS” tanks .. one in red... and one in turquoise... and it didin’t take a math scientist to know that this was the same “friend” that was texting all those kissy emoji’s last night...

i was kinda defeated with the whole Vietnamese boy he had on the side... some boy who must be special enough to get 2 tanktops as a gift... i was truly defeated... i didn’t know how to feel anymore... so on our last night in Singapore... up in our hotel room...i went to bed ... and called it a night...

but he didn’t let me... he wanted one more night of kinky fun... i mumbled to him that i was just not feeling up for it tonight... but he didn’t want to take NO for an answer.... he kept on bugging me for some kinky xxx... something just ticked off in me... almost like i was suddenly a different person... possessed by my inner rage from his betrayal...

Disclaimer: now what happened between me and him during that intense moment... which didn’t last all that long was definitely another scene out of a movie... I tied him down on the bed in an extremely vulnerable position and i took full advantage of it... i was physically torturing his nipples out of spite... he enjoyed it at first... up until i started slapping him across his face like a crazy scorned latina  x girlfriend on her first day of PMS... he started to get scared... he started to moan more with fear than with sexual pleasure... i got a little carried away... i kinda lost it... i was taking it out on him... i was punishing him for playing me real good... i was literally abusing him physically..

he finally struggled frantically enough to make me realize he was not having this anymore... and luckily i snapped out of it...he screamed uncomfortably and i untied his wrists and ankles... took off his blindfold... and he looked at me with such surprise... he sat up on the bed ... took a moment.. and said ...“whoa.... you are like one of those innocent looking little toy puppies... but when you reach out to pet it... they open their mouths to reveal huge grinding shark teeth and then bite your hand off!” lol...

(i later apologised to him for getting too carried away... i mean i knew he liked to be dominated and his nips tortured and all... but i also knew that i went a little too far with my state of mind... i was wrong to have put him in that position...)

we then packed up the bondage tools and called it a night... went to bed ... him feeling strangely surprised but even more allured by me... and me feeling a little remorseful of what i just did...

it was alot to handle... so many things transpired over these few days together... i just closed my eyes... and realized that tomorrow was gonna be the day we say good bye...

and that actually made me feel surpringly...

sad...

Thursday, March 10, 2016

SIN : The Untold Story Part 4...




he was on his phone alot... and when i mean alot... i mean ALOT!!!...

one night... before he went in the shower... he was texting somebody...and i accidentally saw something that i could have spotted a mile away... (no not a guy in a tanktop)... it was an emoji sticker... not just ANY emoji sticker.. it was a big red LOVE HEART AND RED KISSY “muah”!!!

that was really alarming!!!... he told me he was single... but could it be he was dating someone ?? and if so?... why was he here in Singapore with me enjoying a lovely sexcapade jolly time??.. unless his  alleged emoji KISSER has no clue about him being here?? URGHHHHHH my mind was going haywire!!!... these things only happen on tv shows...  what the hell was happening???

 when he was in the shower...his phone was laying there on the bedside table... it just kept going off ... non stop...and my god my eyes grew bigger and bigger with every ding dong that i heard...so  i just couldn’t help  myself...  my curiosity...got the best of me...

his phone was locked of course... but i could still see the preview banner texts as each ding dong went by...  it was coming from some guy with an obvious Vietnamese nickname... and i saw texts like “i miss you”... “ muah!”... “buy me something back”... etc.

my eyeballs were wide open like i just sniffed 5 lines of coke... scorned by betrayal... but no...

POOF!

i snapped myself out of it... maybe i was just over exaggerating things... over thinking the worst case scenario... and tried to shake the thought off... (but i couldn’t)... i had to get out of the room... the ding dongs were driving me bat crazy... i went down to the poolside cabana and called a good online friend to just vent out what was happening... and after calming my self down... i went back up to the hotel room... walked in the door.... and saw him texting...

i waited for a few minutes then asked him coyly but friendly... who’s that? ...he said “just a friend”... and i said.... “a friend that sends kisses and love hugs stickers and i miss you’s ?... and he told me in the most nonchalant way possible... that he was just a "boy" thats into him... explaining that lots of young boys are that way with him... they say “i love you” after meeting you for a day...(he went on and on about how young boys just fall for him because he's a buffed up white guy in vietnam bla bla bla...

ANYWAYS.. THAT WAS ALL THE CRAP I NEEDED TO KNOW AT THAT POINT... 

i didn’t want to cause a scene... we were sharing a hotel room together... as far as i’m concerned ... we are having a blast enjoying this wonderful trip in Singapore... and i went to bed... trying to compartmentalize the information i just received...

**god... you said you were single... yeah... “single”... but juggling a few boy toys back home while you were at it here with me....? 

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

SIN : The Untold Story Part 3...




our very first agenda of the day after checking in the hotel room... was going out to find a bite to eat... and as it was the first day of Chinese new year in Singapore... most of the restaurants were closed... so we ended up at a ramen place...

pls keep in mind that this was our very first meal we were having together face to face... but i was kinda put off as he was doing something that i have such a pet peeve for... and mind you... i have experienced this way too many times when meeting up with jerks guys...

he was on his phone... (sigh)....

i gave him the benefit of the doubt because i  assumed that he was trying out to see if he got the internet activated... but he was actually scrolling on his facebook...

indeed he was facebooking just a liitle too long for comfort... so i just made conversation with him... and.. he kinda talked to me while still looking at his phone screen... so i kinda just gave up and enjoyed my ramen thinking ... that yeah.. this is kinda ironic ... but even so... i was gonna make the best out of this trip...  (i just had to laugh it off really... i mean.. c’mon i didn’t fly all the way to Singapore to meet up in person just to sit with him and watch him scroll on facebook...)

he actually did ask me though.... “i hope you don’t mind”

(oh yeah... sure.. like i’m gonna say URRRR YEAH!! I DO MIND!... PUT YOUR DAMM PHONE AWAY FOR A SEC AND LETS TALK!!!).... but i just was being sweet little “READ BETWEEN MY LINES” me :-)  ... and smiled... and shrugged and said ...

"oh it’s fine"...

unfortunately the facebooking was a regular staple during our trip and meals together... especially one moment where  we went to see this huge magical mechanical bird love story musical fountain thingy at resorts world sentosa... and he was literally glued to his screen for the entire time while waiting for the show to start... i looked at him and wanted to talk... but... there was something stopping me...

i’ve met one too many guys like these... some far worse than others... and i just kept telling myself... i’m having a good time... this is my trip.. and i’m gonna enjoy it... and no facebook is gonna get in my way of having a good time...

now... speaking of facebook...

there was this particular moment before bed time while he was of course scrolling on his facebook news feed... i asked him out of the blue....

“why aren’t we friends on facebook?”...

and he replied.... (without even looking at me)...

“ah... we’re just not there yet”...

**after knowing each other for about 6 months online... and me taking a crazy chance on you by flying all the way to Singapore just to  meet you... and after doing all the kinky little nasty things we just did that morning from 9am till 12 noon... and you even saying that it was one of the biggest cum loads you have had in a loooong time............ ..... .... we are just not there yet ???



SIN : The Untold Story Part 2...




when you meet someone face to face for the first time... first impressions can be everything...

and while his eyes certainly lit up upon seeing me... i was still unsure what i thought of him when i first saw him... i was too nervous to even gauge how attracted or not attracted i was to him at first sight...

but i do recall... that after he called me "cute"... and tugged at my preppy shirt... it was straight to business... no informal introductions... no ice breaking conversation... nothing to even take off the edge of finally meeting for the first time.. he just needed to get a new sim card for his phone so he could have internet access while he was in Singapore...

and what striked me most off guard was the way he talked to the cashier at 7eleven... he was trying to ask how much the card costs and the details of the data plan and charges and whatnot... but apparently the poor lady cashier just didn’t explain it quite clearly enough to him...

and he went all superior and “bUt yOU DiDn’t anSwer my quEstiOn”  alpha-male on her... and even a little more than that which i cant really remember now... its abit blurry... (i guess because ive tried to put away all these little incidents at the back of my memory bank)  

but basically ... i stood behind him for quite some time... trying to mind my own business but still listening in on their almost heated conversation about a measely sim card... and i thought myself...

oh my god... is this really his personality? belittling the cashier lady all because of a sim card?...how much do i really know about this guy???  

WHAT DID I JUST GET MYSELF INTO???

besides that ... he opted to use the train to go to our hotel... instead of a taxi... i don't think he really saw the obvious ghastly expression on my face when he said “let’s just take the train”...

ohh...the thought of my skinny little arms dragging around my over-packed jumbo sized luggage with plastic wheels that were on the verge of falling apart... and on top of that trying to manoeuvre out of the crowded sardine-can train ... trying to squeeze out of the sliding doors exit before they closed on me lol ..

then continuing on the dragging of my stupid heavy luggage down the steps of the train station pulling it across the pavement then frantically waddling across the road while the green “walk sign” was beeping and about to turn red...(by then i swore that i needed to buy a new luggage as soon as i got back home) urgh!!

but i was being sweet little me... catering to his request to save that bit of money on the taxi fare...

** gosh... i don’t think you even offered to help me with my big ole ass luggage ...not even once....  :-(  

DISCLAIMER:
i had an extra pre loaded MRT (train) card with me. so when he started to line up at the monstrous queue at the airport  train station to buy a single trip ticket... i tapped his shoulder and said “i have an extra card... you can use mine ”.. and pls take note of this little pre loaded MRT card... because it is gonna make a special appearance again later in this story...

and F.Y.I :
i spent some good amount of $$$ on my new american tourister ... and i named him...

MY.... NINJA TURTLE!!!

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

SIN : The Untold Story Part 1...



i guess it’s about time i finally get to tell the story...

the UNTOLD story of SIN... (click link to read the entire 10 part saga)

and it is quite amazing how coincidental that I'm writing this out exactly one year after this  crazy experience happened...

i know i wrote about all the good bits and pieces... because quite honestly... i truly did have the time of my life... i was happy... or at least i was fooling myself into being happy... and ignoring all those “little gestures” that really speak mountains...

see... the part where i didn’t write... or even had the capacity to slide in all the red flags of his actions... began even before we ever met up face to face...

in actual fact... after making plans to meet... hotel, flights discussed , booked & paid for... within a course of a week or so... he instantly slowed down on regularly chatting with me... and only texted once every blue moon to say some sweet nothings... just like watering a plant just to keep it alive...

he did nothing more to get to know me... which i thought was very weird... i mean..for me .. if i was meeting up with an online guy ... i would definitely want to know more about him... just to prepare myself and perhaps picture what he really is like when we do actually meet up...

**you just needed a tour guide during the day and a fun kinky sex toy to enjoy at night... and someone who was willing to split the hotel bill with you... it was really all there was to it... i was just someone you could use...

continued to PART 2...

Monday, March 7, 2016

Year To Be Happy...



as i was driving home from a monday night grocery walking trip... i passed by this cafe... then... B00M !!! ...(*flashback) ...

that was the cafe... where i met up with a guy from grindr for the very first time... he took one look at me and i saw it on his face... he wanted out almost immediately... in which he did... he bailed out on me after 20 mins of trying to converse with him... 

oh.. just only a couple years ago... i was so eager...adventurous... desperate...& thirsty... trying to kiss all the horrible toads to find the one that would turn into a prince... searching and even going as far as paying top dollar for a match making service... endlessly putting myself out there.. for dates... for fun... for the possibility to find the guy... "the one"...

2016... this is my self proclaimed year to be happy... 

and already i have turned down 3 guys who wanted to meet up with me... and i am not missing out on anything... because i know they are just not worth it... fun perhaps? or just to meet to for the possibility that it could trainspire into something more?...

nah...

i think if it happens ... it happens... (yes.. my new moto for "the year to be happy" lol ) and in the meantime... there are alot of things that make me happy...

listening to mariah makes me happy...

watching netflix makes me happy...

chatting with facebook friends makes me happy...

tending to my newly evolving mini garden (my new hobby)  makes me happy...

i think i have finally changed my mindset... to stop worrying about how single i am... or how lonely i feel (which hasn't happened much at all so far this year)... and as corny as this sounds... is just to enjoy the company of myself...and to take care of me.... 

call it a revelation... but ... i think i am finally on the right path to being happy...

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