Friday, December 30, 2016

2016 Bucket List...



joining a gym was one of the best decisions i made this year,... "mi hombre latino"

after what seemed like endless rejections from almost every bank out there... i have not 1... not 2... but 3 !!!!! lol.... THREE credit cards all approved in the same month... phew! i guess giving up hope was the lucky charm...

and as for touching a six pack... which i know... was quite far fetched to begin with... i mean.. ive seen a few glorious six packs in the gym's changing room... but alas... i could only stop and stare.... 

now... i dont quite know what bucket list i wanna set up for 2017... but one i can think of involves some fate and help of the universe... and that is for celine dion to announce an asian tour sometime in 2017 and then i can finally tick off "SEEING CELINE DION LIVE IN CONCERT" off my list...

:-)


Monday, December 26, 2016

An Unexpected Gift...



i got a gift a day after Christmas...

yes... the cute little yellow koala bear key chain was certainly a nice surprise from a guy.. but the gift that i was so thankful for was to finally have my very first tickle toy experience with him... and man oh man... i am so ecstatic because i know i have been such a good little boy this past year... Only 1 disastrous date and no random hook-ups at all... and i can’t help but feel like this is what i deserve for being so deprived of any sort of physical interaction with any guy... 

i deserved it... and i certainly needed it...and i can proudly declare that this is exactly what dreams are made of... 

i mean... i have watched uncountable tickle porn videos but have never gotten a chance to try it... because the rare combination of guys who are ticklish and also willing to be tied down are just too elusive to pursue... 

but there it was... an unexpected opportunity that just presented itself ... no expectations.. not even any anticipation... just me meeting someone for the first time and letting things happen organically in it’s own time... (which was more or less within a time span of a day ... lol)

and my oh my... everything i’ve imagined it would be.... was what it was and is...

it was amazing... mind blowing... and even had a trance like effect on my nervous system... i mean... it was just as good as (if not better) than when i wank off to any one of my tickle torture porn videos...

i really can’t exactly put it in words... just how heavenly it feels to be tickling a ticklish guy tied down spread eagled on the bed and just ravishing his body with my fingers and consuming his every bit of moan and laughter he had left... i literally couldn’t stop kissing him ... it really felt that warm and fuzzy in the most perverted and kinky kinda way...

every little one of his giggles turned a switch inside of me... and it definitely turned me “ON”... and i mean like inside “inside” of me.... and i just love that feeling... and i still get little jolts of jitters just thinking about it... 

oh gosh... i always knew that i would love tickling so much... but i never knew it would be such a cold hard fact of life for me ...  so many experiences i have yet to experience... but i’m just so glad i got the chance to experience this one thing i have been longing for... for such a long long long time...

i love to tickle guys... and that was the unexpected gift i got for Christmas this year... 

:-)


Sunday, December 18, 2016

Ice Cream For Rainbows...



i just spent an exorbitant amount for 4 pints of ice cream...

and i'm not talking about the normal locally produced kind... im talking imported, gourmet and insanely overpriced ice cream that you can’t get anywhere else ... (unless you live in the states then it’s probably dirt cheap there compared to here)... 

i got 1 pint of deep dark chocolate gelato, 1 specialty espresso goats milk ice cream,  and 2 more pints from my ex bf's named "ben & jerry"...

now what drove me to do this ? it’s simple....

i had a very interestingly bad start to the weekend and so i tried to keep myself occupied by watching a movie then window shopping then going to the gym then watching 3 episodes of f.r.i.e.n.d.s back to back but at last all of them failed to keep my mind off horrible thoughts that were plaguing me...

so... instead of grocery walking... i went a step further by doing a little “grocery therapy”... (well unfortunately that didn’t help either)... not one bit... GOSH... whenever i was feeling down before... a good chocolate ice-cream orgasm would always do the trick... but not this time...

and its not like i can just go to a gay bar and pick up a random guy for a one night stand... (There is like only 1 gay bar here in town... and no...i am not ever going back there again)... 

also it’s not like i can just look on recon to tie up the closest piece of ham within a 3 mile radius... (Though that would be oh so great ...)... oh... that would really do the trick ... the real deal... oh... seriously... a little kinky fun would be so good for me right now...

i don’t know what to do anymore... to just make myself feel happy...

i can’t depend on anyone to share the feelings im going through...

i only have myself ... to make MYSELF happy...

2016... “the year to be happy”... that was what i promised myself to do this year....

but it’s just too hard... it’s just too damn hard...

and now all i have are 4 pints of overpriced ice cream yet i see no rainbows hanging over my horizon...

:-(


Sunday, December 4, 2016

The Whole Truth...



as i suddenly recall my very first date with a guy... at the tender age of sweet 16... (him 24)... as we went to watch Halloween: resurrection...  (yes... i just back dated myself and you can do the math and roughly sum up my present age as of this published blog post...)

the one thing i remember vaguely was that during the movie ... at one point he actually tried to slide his hand up my thigh... (but never made it past my knee)... i honestly didn’t know what was going on or what he was trying to do... i was just dumb ole innocent virginal naive me... thinking he probably didn't like using the arm rests on the chair...

fast forward to a similarly bogus experience last christmas as depicted in this blog post...

and top that off with the first and only date of 2016.. (which could very well be my last for now...) also depicted here in this blog post...

**yes... i went on what seemed like the almost perfect date...up untill "when i declined... his true colors showed"... yes.. people... yes.... he just wanted xxx... that's why he was so nice to me the entire time... "and the oscar goes to".....(roll my eyes....)

i can’t help but wonder...

am i just gonna be screwed for life ?  i mean ... how many toads do i have to kiss ? or more practically ... how many jerks do i have to meet ? to finally find a decent , sane guy who is ... (for a lack of a better word...)..... n i c e .... ?

i have gotten the hang of this whole... “im fine being alone and single for life” mentality... but deep down... i just can’t escape the raw emotional feeling of my burning yearning  little boy soul telling me that...

U really need a boyfriend in your life to be happy... and without one... U will never ever truly feel complete...

and there’s no fighting that feeling... because i know that is the WHOLE truth and nothing but the TRUTH...


Tuesday, November 22, 2016

What Makes Me Stay... ?



Look at me...I'm in a place
I never thought I'd be...

Don't have the strength...To dream anymore
Or a reason to believe...

So tell me why I still keep holding on...
To something I just cannot see...

What makes me stay ?
When a love falls apart...
What makes me try one more time ?
When it's not in my heart...

At the end of my rope...When i can't find any hope
i still look inside and say...

I just can't walk away...
wonder what makes me stay...

I'm not afraid...Of living alone...
I’ve been alone for oh so long...

I've been so down...Many times before...
But this time's not the same...

I've always been the first to say “hello”...
Now it's the last thing I can do...

What makes me stay ?
When a love falls apart...
What makes me try one more time ?
When it's not in my heart...

At the end of my rope...When i can't find any hope
i still look inside and say...

I just can't walk away...
wonder what makes me stay...

When it goes this deep...And feels this strong...
I can't convince myself...That there’s nothing wrong...

what makes me stay ?


~ By N!LoC ~

Monday, October 3, 2016

Twenty Nine...



i realized at twenty nine...
that love was just too hard to find...
them other boys find it so easily..
but not for ugly duckling boys like me...

they get their very own rice-queen...
the sugar-daddy kind... supposedly...
guaranteed a life of company...
and all the perks of shopping sprees...

they get the one who was close to me...
became his prince (i thought i’d one day be)...
and now i’m left with a world so grim...
to have to share the same gym...
with him...

oh i try my best to hide my fears... through these awkward smiles of tears...
while they take perfect photographs... they look so good it makes me laugh...
it makes me feel... ugly as can be...
a little ugly duckling boy... like me...

i realized at twenty nine...
no matter how hard i tried to find...
the love that comes so easily...
to other swan boys...
not me...


~ By N!LoC ~


Thursday, September 8, 2016

My Tickle Toy...


**and this was supposed to be "the year to be happy" .... it started off on the right foot... but now i’ve kinda lost my way again... i’ve rejected and declined quite a number of guys for meet ups (and hook ups) for that matter... and only went on one date this year .. which was the most perfect disaster that my little fragile heart could take which made me kinda swear off dating for now... until who knows when...**

that was an excerpt from a past post "MY TRUNK BRIEFS" ... and i've kinda brushed off the notion and any possibility of another sexcapade with a guy who could have ticked off one of my very elusive bucket list of finally having my very first tickle torture session...

guys like him don't just pop up like normal grade pokemonsters or whatever those crazy kid terms they use... beautiful, ticklish guys around my age who actually plead and beg to be tickled are as elusive and rare as they get... but i am still having a hard time coming to terms with my passive decision to not even contemplate meeting up with him...

i mean.. i can use the phrase "once bitten ... twice shy..." for this moment because ... yeah... after that whole "SIN: THE UNTOLD STORY" experience... i don't ever wanna put myself through that ever again... 

but i cant help but wonder... am i losing out on an opportunity of a lifetime? ... am i letting this one chance... which could be my one and ONLY chance of fulfilling a deep dark fantasy once and for all?...

.... yeah... maybe... but you know what?.... 

i want more than just a weekend holiday sexcapade... it's just not worth it... it's like playing poker... when i think i might have gotten a royal flush (i think that's the term used.. lol).. but somehow ... the joker card always seem to pop up and screw me right into my queen of broken hearts...

i'm playing it safe... because i don't want to be sorry...

sorry for myself... if i went through with this sexcapade and came back realizing that i can actually use a new phrase..."shame on you if u fool me once... shame on me if you fool me twice"..

i don't want to be that stupid boy that gets all excited for a perfect stranger i just met online and then dreaming my life away thinking that this guy could finally be the one... only to know that i was just someone who was the extra "fun" to put into his holiday agenda...

my love life has never been kind to me... and im proud to say that i'm wise enough to know that  good things don't really happen for a boy like me...

:-/


Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Mi Hombre Latino...



i came in way early since it was my first time... sitting on the side feeling a little anxious, a little excited but most of all... awkward... 

because i am never good with new experiences.. anything that takes me out of my comfort zone... anything that is remotely social... and the only thing that was keeping my nerves calm were the amazing eye candy in the gym... and my my my... there is definitely a different herd of grade A meat over in this premium gym outlet located in this mall 

even saw not one not two but THREE pieces of white meat working out ... one even looked like a leather top right out of a Folsom porn fair...

anyways...all the stars aligned for me to finally attend this BODY JAM group class... the time was right.. the day of the week was right... the next day was a public holiday ... so just in case i wake up with a sore body the next morning... i could just sleep in...

when the instructor came in (black tank top- gorgeous eyes- shaved pits and all) ... he started out with introductions right away... and even asked my name and i told him but of course he couldn’t hear me because i spoke too soft (im that naturally soft spoken)...and if this was my first time doing a BODY JAM class... he then asked more importantly if i could dance?

i didn’t answer  him out loud...because i didn’t want to strain my soft speaking voice again so i just gave him a so-so hand gesture...  



and he reassured me that it can get a little tricky and if i get lost...just try and follow the people in front of me because they were regulars... he then quipped “well i’m gonna find out if you can dance soon enough”.... (which made me gasp under my breath)...

gosh his moves were so sexy and flirty and pulsating... at one point he even said “yeah touch your body like this!”... “i’m feeling sexy”!!! lol... oh my ... he is definitely a character..... he almost reminds me of a SIN-full sexcapade i had with guy before...

and not even half way through the class... he kept speaking out over his mic pack... saying “oh my god colin! you are killing it!!! you are doing a great job!!! and midway through a break he asked me to come up and give him a “fist bump”... (oh lord... can u imagine me giving him a freaking fist bump?? with my soft dainty hands and knuckles.... lol)



i must say.... i actually impressed myself.... i took on the choreography really quick... like "Britney spears" quick... and when we had to do this one crotch & hip grinding move... he pointed and looked at me and said “colin give me more hip!!! Now I know u can dance !!! so im not gonna take it easy on you!!!”... (i had no choice... i gave him more hip action!) hmph!

by the end of the class he congratulated all of us for a great workout... and even gave me the “taylor swift heart” to me...



(which of course made me blush)... and he still went on to announce to everybody... “my god colin!!! you are amazing!!  throughout all the first timers taking my body jam class... no body has gotten a 100%  like you!!! (which made me blush even more).... hihihi  one of the guys infront of me even said "some people are just natural born dancers"...

sigh....

i knew joining a gym would somehow be good for me... i mean... yeah one of the main reason for joining a gym was just to get to walk on the treadmill and check out guys in tanktops.. but i guess taking group classes pushes me out of my box and mundane routine of couch potato-ville...

and i guess i decided to write about this because... this little experience made me....

happy.... 

and it has been a long time since i did something out of the norm and FUN...

i even let myself fantasize about the instructor on the drive back home...  about him being oh so into me... and me obviously being infatuated by his cheeky personality and his sexy Columbian gyrations on stage... and yeah ... in my fantasy world... he is gay ... and is all that into me... why else would he praise me nonstop throughout the entire class he is just that into me!!!!... lol....(oh its all in my head)...

happy... this makes me happy...

and i can’t wait to try out another one of his classes rightly deemed LATINO JAM!!! (so i can shake my booty for him to see in all it’s glory!!!!)

** f.y.i. my left butt cheek is damn sore as i write this...

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Sunshine & Blue...



funny how things ended up this way...
you were the sunshine...and i was the blue...
life takes on a course... all by itself...
i’m happy to see you... with someone new...

i guess it wasn’t the right time...
there was never a road...
cuz if it happens it happens...
for reasons unknown...oh...

let me smile... and think about what could have, should have, would have been between,
the story passing by me... thinking life ain’t all that bad after all...
in the photographs i see a glimpse of what i’ve yearned for all my life...
but it was never the right time...
there was never a road...

funny how things ended up this way...
you were the sunshine...and i was the blue...
for the very first time... i am in peace...
happy to see you... with someone new...


~ By N!LoC ~


Sunday, August 7, 2016

From London To Brazil...



as i woke up today to watch my recorded programs of the men's team gymnastics qualifying rounds... i was all perky and excited.... but as i was going through the 6 hours of recorded pit-tastic galore... something seemed off with me... something was different... something just didn't seem right...

see... 4 years ago.. when i recorded the same sessions @ the london Olympics i was literally shrieking inside when i saw those beautiful pits of japan, korea, usa, great britan and... oh... china... i love me some hairy chinese pits... i jacked off to those paused images of them hanging around on the rings... and also when they just got done with their dismount and then BAM arms up... and pits exposed for me to go "eeeeeeek!!!"

but as i said... something just seemed different this time around... i went through the paused images... and my my.. brazil had some amazingly gorgeous guys on there... but i didn't bother to really cherish the recorded sessions or even keep them to wank to it later... i actually deleted it all after checking through it all...

why?

hmmm... maybe... just maybe... alot things can happen within a span of 4 years,...

my theory is.. 4 years ago... i was literally a virgin... (in every sense and meaning of the word...) so seeing international pits of all flavours inspired me from within.. and got me darn hard on the spot,.. making my imaginations go wild.. hoping and wishing and even looking forward to one sweet day that perhaps i might even have a taste of a pit-ecstacy...

and here i am ... 4 years later... not a virgin virgin... but a half ass virgin... but with more wisdom and experiences through and through... i've tasted a handful of pits of lovely varieties (american... Singaporean...german...australian...malaysian and as i'm trying to recall all my pit rendezvous’.. yes there was even a close encounter with a russian pit...(sigh)... and yeah... definitely a dream come true for all of those... (ticks off my bucket list for sure)...

4 years later... as i sit and watch the beauty of olympic pits yet again... i can't help but to wonder....

when will i have a man's pit to call my own?

to have and to hold... through sickness and in health... till... (oh what the heck)

la la la la la la la la ....... from london to brazil... life just happens...


Saturday, July 23, 2016

Fantasy...


Mariah Carey "Fantasy"

ive always been one to dream... and that’s why i consider myself a dreamer...  a hopeless romantic...

reality seems to have come and hit hard... and it keeps banging at my doorstep... now more often than not... on a daily basis even...

i start to dream about things and i find myself stopping myself in my own tracks... (track of mind at least)... but on certain rare nights... in the privacy of my own room... my thoughts do run wild and free...

i dream... a dream like there’s no tomorrow... “ a dream so real... something i can touch ... but far beyond to feel”...

and i realize that... my dreaming does take me to places that makes me happy... a passing thought that can put a smile on my face... and it almost feels as if it heals me...

maybe that’s why one of my most fav Mariah song is fantasy.... because in the bridge... she coos:

“i’m... in... heaven....

with my boy... friend.... my laughing boy... friend...

there ‘s no beginning ... there is no end....

feels like i’m dreaming but im not sleeping...”


and that literally just summed up the fantasy that just literally went through my dreaming head...

sometimes... i guess i just have to let myself dream on... no matter how un attainable i tell myself it really is... i mean it’s always possible... just like having that one winning lottery ticket to a million dollars.... (it is possible... but it’s impossibly impossible)...

but i wasn’t dreaming about a million dollars....

i was just in heaven... with my boy friend.... my laughing boyfriend.... there was no beginning ... there was no end... it felt like i was dreaming but i was not sleeping...




** inspiration always cums after an orgasm anyways....

Thursday, July 21, 2016

I Have No Friends...




my friends....

where did they all go ?

i know i had some...

hmmmm lemme think....

the boys grew apart because i wasn’t one of the “boys”...
& the girls grew up to be “mean girls“ and i only managed to salvage one..
since then we have grown apart as well... (as depicted here)

the college years went by and i also managed to salvage but one...
but she is missing in action.... but this time it seems like it’s gonna be like forever...

online friendships were never real.... because if they were... why do i feel so empty?

making a new friend on facebook could suffice for a day... but maybe that’s why it makes me feel so empty...

tried to have a platonic friendship with a few gay guys (one sadly depicted here)... but i know damn well what it’s all about... so i should not complain....

and as i have this urge to gossip about the latest happenings... i reach out to ex work mates... but that is just what they are... “ex”.... “work”.... “mates”....

i then realize...

i really do have no friends....

my eternal catastrophe of wanting a boyfriend so badly now has trickled down to me wanting just the simple company of friendship... and yet i also have no friends... period....


i have no friends? ........

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Face To Face..



my god...

3 years later... and we finally get to meet up by chance....

i can't believe i never wrote about my experiences with this guy on my blog... i guess i always thought that he was just one of those passer by's that just comes and goes and never really impacts you in any serious way... so i always brushed off whatever moments that i had experienced with him...

3 YEARS ago... at the very tender moment when i was going through a "letting go" phase with my very first relationship with a guy ( as depicted here *** which coincidentally lasted 3 YEARS)... this guy texted me on jack'd and we kinda hit it off right away...

well ... the very next day he told me that he was bi... and that he was dating a much younger guy  ... his "prince"... and asked for some naughty pics of me.. which of course i was kinda ok with him being bi... but after he told me he had a prince... and wanted naughty pics of me... i was oh so turned off like from 60-0 in a heartbeat...

but oddly enough ... he kinda stayed in touch fairly often during every rare blue moon... and also mainly because we just kept running into each other for some weird reason... crossing each other's paths... one night at mc donalds where i was apparently standing right next to him at the cafe section counter after a horrible date and didn't even know it... and another time at a grocery store after a jog in the town park... and another time again at mcdonalds where he was with is prince (safely assuming) and yet again another time at restaurant with his new prince more than a year later... 

and all of those times i never really got to see his face.. or saw him completely but wasn't quite sure that it was him ... although he kinda looked familiar him from his whatsapp profile pic.... and he was the one who always texted me later to say "oh colin ! was that you?" ... and i always felt a little frustrated that he just could never have the guts to just come up to me and just say hi to my face.. even if he wasn't sure himself if it was me or not!...

on a few occasions... i actually went into an emotional episode where i just kept questioning myself... and my fate... and my worth in life... because honestly ... out of all the jerks i have met throughout my active dating years... he was actually the one most eligible and geographically suitable for me...

he was a few good years older than me (which i like) ... he lives kinda close by to me... he likes younger guys... he can definately rock a tank top... his english was fluently and refreshingly pleasant... (something so Hard to come by with guys in my city)... and i was actually attracted to him right off the bat...  gosh... he would be so good for me...

but as fate would have it... timing was never right... all those other times he reached out to me out of the blue... getting my hopes up thinking that maybe he wants to reconnect with me again for real.... he then tells me that he has broken up with his prince... but is dating a new prince 2.0...

now.. the funny thing  is... that at the back of my mind... it really did cross my mind that when i knew i was gonna join a new gym in my area this year... it really did cross my mind for a split second.. that hmmm maybe...just maybe.. i might run into him then since he also lives close by and he goes to this chain of gyms... 

pehaps but probably voila!!!! ... i think i imagined it into existence... which took 3 LONG YEARS!!!!!

and that was the whatsapp message that i got from him after i finished my workout and was about to leave the gym when i saw it... i was shocked!.... i know i was eyeing him the whole time...i was in the gym because like... errrr duhhhh ... he was the only guy there in a TANK TOP!... and he was even literally beside me on the next machine doing his leg raises... but i guess i totally forgot about how he looked like completely... and i deleted his number off my phone ages ago... before christ was born...

so i kinda got up the adrenaline to just finally stomp right over to him and finally say hi to this big wussy who apparently never seem to have the guts to say hi to my face!!!!

and after all was said and done... we chatted for a while... as he raised his arms abit to show his amazing trimmed dark armpit hairs... and me still being a professional ... maintaining eye contact with his face while he was saying "its no excuse to not go to the gym more often since you live so nearby"... :-)

so.. i guess morale of this story is... 

the third time may be the charm in most cases... but for me.. it was the 5th....

a chance meeting when all the stars aligned for us and me (unusually-courageously) stomping my way over to him to finally meet FACE TO FACE!!!...    

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Walls...



at the age of **... i have contemplated numerous times if i’m just destined to be single forever... Once you’ve reached a certain age and still seem no nearer to finding that one life partner, you really begin to wonder...

and the fact that ive never actually had a “real’” relationship... let alone ... a “real” boyfriend... EVER... my one and only relationship was an online - long distance one... and like hoping for a day where we don’t live in a world with bigotry and hate...i really wonder if i should just be chasing a different dream...

every day that passes.. i resign myself to that conclusion that perhaps it won’t ever happen for me... but i wasn’t always this way.... i’ve had the whole “fairy- tinker bell- rainbows and butterflies- love can move mountains- everyone has a soul mate” mentality since i was a little boy... but basically i’ve been there... tried it.... got hurt... 1 2 MANY TIMES..... 

i guess it saves me alot of precious time , money and energy to not focus on getting out there anymore...  looking for love for me has been a painful experience...  unbelievably ... eye openingly...disillusioningly ... c r a z y (for a lack of a better word)....

i may not be scrolling around gay app town looking for it like i did just a few short years ago... but it is simply unrealistic for me to keep on trooping on to hoping one sweet day i will find love... 

but until then... my heart will remain open... (though not as quite open as before)... because walls come up to protect yourself ... and i now finally understand why people do that...


Friday, June 3, 2016

My Trunk Briefs...



while going through my closet choosing which pair of undies to wear... i saw my rarely touched trunk briefs and it made me think to my self... “why on earth did i ever get a pair of those?”... i mean they have this cutting feeling on my upper groin thigh area and are not that flattering on me as my mini briefs are (which is my staple underwear to wear...)

why on earth did i ever get those trunk briefs ? well... the answer is simple...

it was a more inspired time in my life... where i was still collecting black tank tops to add to my tank top collection... and also trying out some new styles of undies... you know ? just for the sake of trying something new... wear something a little bit out of my comfort zone...

i was exercising... working out ... because i was in the game... the active stage of grindr’ing... recon’ing... jack’d’ing... planet romeo’ing... with the thought of having all these future possibilities of perhaps taking naughty selfies in me undies and stuff... meeting guys to hook up with and perhaps something even more...

when i was once in an online relationship... that’s kinda when my tank top buying went a little over board... i was collecting all the sexiest and flattering black tanktops that i could find in hopes of one day wearing it to bed with the guy ... i had something to look forward to...

something to look forward to ... (sigh)...

i had a zest for life...

i was inspried... motivated... thinking that the possibilities could be endless for me...

every song i heard on my itunes playlist had meaning... had light... even made me do the "mariah HONEY" dance...


and this was supposed to be "the year to be happy.... it started off on the right foot... but now i’ve kinda lost my way again... i’ve rejected and declined quite a number of guys for meet ups (and hook ups) for that matter... and only went on one date this year .. which was the most perfect disaster that my little fragile heart could take which made me kinda swear off dating for now... until who knows when...

i’m taking life generally on a day by day basis ... because i guess that’s the only thing i can do right now... it’s hard to smile.... and it’s sometimes hard to dream at night... but i’ll just have to tell myself that i’ll be ok... (maybe not necessarily happy... but ok)

and all this....from just looking at my rarely worn trunk briefs....


** f.y.i... that's my butt in the pic...just one of my extremely rare naughty selfies...if anyone was wondering...

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

All Of The Above...




do i have to be pretty ? ... to get a guy to notice?

do i have to be kind ? ... for a hand to hold?

do i have to be sweet ? ... for feelings to blossom?

cuz i know i am cute... or so i’ve been told...



do i have to be handsome ? ... for a guy to kiss me?

do i have to be hot ? ... just to get him to smile ?

do i need 6 packs of abs ? ... to have arms to hold me?

would that get me my day to walk down the aisle ?



do i have to be beautiful ? ... to be worthy of love ?

or am i just not lucky ? ... so not lucky in love ?

what do i have to do ? ... if not all of the above ?

is being me not enough ? ... to find somebody to love ?


~ by N!LoC ~

Sunday, May 29, 2016

These Things...



All of these things really did happen ... And the ironic thing is ... They are all completely separate entities ...

Lost faith... Lost hope ... 
Uninspired ... Unmotivated ...


Sunday, May 8, 2016

So Help Me God...




the loneliness i feel just chills me to the bone...

this fear of living life without someone who truly cares for me...

it's just too hard "trying" to be happy...

i don't want to "try" anymore...

i just want to "be"...

so help me god...

:-(

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Sniff Sniff Euphoria...


inhale.........
and inhale summore...... (ahhhhhhh)....

i've done it before (click here to read about it) ... 

and I just did it again... and this time... it was actually at the work place... (a place where i'd thought i'd never get any action)...

but boy oh boy... one sniff of that under arm sleeve area of that used polo-t and the very scent of that jarring and intense - (borderline) antiseptic body wash like smell... I was in heaven... It literally felt like some sort of euphoric drug I just injected into my senses...

my eyes were rolling to he back of my head... my eye sight went almost cloudy and grey... as I inhaled the very scented essence of a man... hmmmm …. (i've always admired his buff body anyways...)

**i'm a little pervert... and proud of it baby ! them other male co-workers better beware... cuz this ninja pit sleeve sniffing pervert is on the loose...

:-p

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Who's That Guy ? : Case Closed...





all good things must come to an end...

what goes up must come down...

and 

when MR WHITE GUY jogs for a few days...

he will then dissapear into a cloud of dust and you will never ever see him EVER again!!!!

:-(

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Snap 2.0...


was paying my phone bill & i dont know how i got into this position...

but the lady at the counter asked me to step aside for a moment...

and so i did....

and enjoyed the marrvelooous view while i waited....

Snap 2.0...



just waiting at baggage claim...  :-p

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

A Guy...



I keep having this anxious realization ...that I could be in danger of wasting my life away...

I am fear full that the years are really just slipping by.

What do I want from life?” I ask myself....

I just want to be happy....

but what “does” make me happy?... Or rather what “could” make me happy ?... well for one... seeing a guy in a tank top certainly never fails to boost my spirits up in a jiffy... which only could bring me to the next obvious point of having a guy to call my own and see him wear random sleeveless things for my daily deviant pleasure...

a guy to sleep with & wake up to would be nice too...

a guy... can make me happy.... plain and simple... that one guy... I have yet to meet in this lifetime... if fate or destiny is kind enough to let me have that one guy...

a guy...

to have and to hold.... from here to eternity... till death do us part...

:-(


Snap 2.0...





Friday, April 1, 2016

Delete...











Facebook... oh the things you make me feel...

actually its not really facebook's fault... it's the people who use facebook and the things they do with it or rather how they handle it... 

see... I've had 3 incidents in the past with guys where I posted something silly and playful that got me in trouble... and what i've learned from all that was that if they can't seem to find the humor out of my own “sense” of humor then I guess it really says a lot about them as a person... 

when april fool's day comes around... I always tend to get a little mischievous and cheeky... and I tend post a drag queen'd out photo-shopped pic of one of them and post it on their fb timeline... 

the first guy I ever did that to was someone who I was having a long distance relationship with... and he did not take it well at all... in fact he just refused to acknowledge that the drag pic I posted was actually him … and kept denying it's existence... until we had a whole argument about it and at last he deleted the pic off his fb... he was sweet and understanding and so wonderful up until that point where I felt like it was a slap in the face...I was just being “me” …. playful... childish … me... (it really hurt that he deleted the pic... but I was so head over heels with him... and we were still in the honeymoon stage of our relationship... so I just brushed it off... like I always do) 

second time I did this sort of thing was with a guy I had an actual date with... he was sweet... caring... nice... and most of all...."sane"... and I wrote about it in a past post and I nicked named him “LAB BOY”...  complete with what happened after i pulled my april fool's fb prank on him... ouch....

third time came about when I scrolling on fb before bedtime and spontaneously posted a meme on “this guy's” fb timeline... he is a huge fan of "back to the future" and so I thought of him and immediately shared it with him... and the cheeky meme was this:- 


and when I woke up the next day... the meme was gone... he apparently deleted it... without a trace... and I was too groggy and sleepy that morning to even care about it... but then as the day went on... I realized just how a petty that was... something so simple... that was supposed to be funny... that apparently wasn't worthy of being up on his timeline ? (mind you... another fb friend of his posted a "back to the future" meme days before... but that one somehow made the cut?...) 

geez.... since when did posting something on a friend's fb timeline turn out to be like some sort of job interview cutting room floor?... after that little incident... it made me really realize a little more of the true colors of someone who i thought to be a really great and genuine guy... (and now i am very cautious when it comes to the other little red flags with him)... 

And just most recently... as I post this on april's fools day itself... the same thing happened yet again... and this one kinda hurt the most... because I thought somehow... this guy was different... I was confident enough to just throw caution to the wind and do my silly childish little april fool's prank again.... through my bad experiences with this whole april fool's thing time and time again... I was not gonna let it stop me from letting me just be ME!.... 

after all was posted and done... bottom line was... that yes... the pic I posted was deleted... 

it may not seem like a big deal...depending on how u see it... but then again with all the facebook drama I have been dealing with just this past few months with … "this community"... and this "fb dating page"... being deleted is something I have become very weary of... 

being deleted makes me feel like an outcast... unwanted... like I don't even matter... and in all honesty... how can that not be a big deal ?...

because it is.... 

:-(


Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Singled Out...



i have always been one to feel like a black sheep... the outsider... the different one... the weird one even... but i can't help but feel like the gay world is having me singled out... (yes .. alittle dramatic i know.. but that's just me...)

recently i wrote about a very bittersweet experience with a gay "community" facebook group... and now it has amazingly happened yet again...!

this time... it was some silly "gay dating" facebook page where you post a selfie with your basic intro to get the ball rolling... but somehow my post just went pending for a week... and then apparently got rejected ...

so i tried again... and same thing happened...

so i commented on the main thread ,,, and apparently there were lots of the usual sleazy comments on there and some cyber bullying and sarcastic remarks... but i just stated my case...

"i posted twice ... and was pending forever and then for whatever reason... my posts got rejected...?"

then i got notified about new comments on that thread.(even though i already left the group)... i went to see the  new comments ... and noticed... to no surprise... my comment was deleted... but yet.. what i found astonishingly ironic was.. the sarcastic cyber bullying remarks and back and forth banter that was still going on there...

my comment got deleted... but the hate speech stays?...

really can't help but feel like the gay world is really against me... singling me out...

but oh well.. i've had black rainy clouds hang over my head many times before...and my skin is just too thick to feel bad for myself anymore....

i'll survive...

(oh... & i won't pull a "jada pinkett smith" and boycott facebook ... lol)

Saturday, March 12, 2016

SIN : The Untold Story Part 6...




so.. time to go to the airport.. and.. yeah... (we took the train)... and remember that little disclaimer about the train card in PART 2 of this story? well this is where it makes it's fabulously dramatic encore appearance...

yesterday at the train station... his card (which was my extra card that i borrowed to him to use during this trip)... didn’t have sufficient amount to use for the ride... so he had to top it up... and the minimum top up amount was $10...

he had to check in at terminal 3... i had to go to terminal 1... so we decided to have a quick farewell brunch at terminal 2 after both of us checked in at our respective terminals....and when we met back up at terminal 2...  the first thing he said was... that i “OWED HIM” the remaining 7 bucks that was on the train card balance....

........?............. 

???................ ?

(wha?) ....... 

well he certainly wasn’t joking...

i mean... yeah... throughout this entire trip we went dutch always... not because we agreed to... but mainly because it was just his way i guess... the only time he treated me for a meal was at the ramen place ... (the place where we had our very first meal together)

WELL OFCOURSE he paid for my meal then... he actually said so when he offered to pay.. 

"i'll pay for this one because you let me use your train card"...

it was only because i let him use my extra preloaded train card which had about $10 or so left in it?...

these were our last moments together... and i was determined to have only good memories about it to look back on... so again... i just brushed it off... numbing the awkward moment where i had to pay him back the $7 bucks that i “owed” him...

we then had brunch at a nice little food court where he wanted to have his favourite Singapore laksa dish one last time... but i already had it all planned out...

i wanted to get him a gift... something nice... something that would leave a lasting impression on him.. but most of all....something that was thoughtful...and i knew early on what would be the perfect gift for him...

**see.. every morning... before he did his wake up stretches and bed side workouts... he would make this nasty concoction of 3 in 1 coffee mix.. with an extra pack of black coffee powder... and 3 more packets of this supermarket grade ginger tea powder... and i would always look at him with this playful disgusted grossed out face.... but then he would take the first sip of it and go... "hmmmmmmmmmm"... (he said it’s the combination of ginger tea and spiciness that makes the strong coffee flavor pop!...)...

and so... while he was enjoying his bowl of Singapore laksa.. i excused myself to go to the toilet... but instead i rushed downstairs to TWG... to get this delicate fresh NATURAL blend of spice infused ginger tea... (which i already scouted out secretly while he was using the toilet when we were at shoppes @ marina bay sands the other day)... which does come with a hefty price tag for a box of 15 tea bags...

so after his lovely tea was wrapped up nicely in complete with fancy TWG embossed ribbon.. i made my way up back to surprise him with it... and his reaction was priceless..... he looked at it a bit confused ...like (is this for me?)... (what?) ...and then he said...

“ i didn’t know we were supposed to give each other gifts?.. oh no.. should i give you your 7 dollars back?”....

........?.........

ok ? maybe his reaction wasn't priceless...it came with a $7 refund...

i really couldn’t understand what just happened... it was like i was experiencing a bad twilight zone day... and so i just smiled and said... “oh no.. it’s fine?”.... (Because it really seemed that he wasn’t joking about giving me the $7 (train card) balance back  for it)...

so when it was finally time to say our goodbyes.. i walked him off to the sky train departure to terminal 3... we hugged... and as the sky train arrived... i smiled from the bottom of my heart... and watched him walk away...

as he got into the sky train...i was still standing there with my hand up ready to wave goodbye to him... awkwardly waiting.. for him to turn around.. to look back at me... to just turn around... and look back at me... just turn around.... look back at me.....

(sigh...)

....he never did turn around to look back at me..... and the train just scooted off leaving me hanging with my hand up waving to nobody...

i felt weird... i felt something funny happening... a funny feeling... i felt like ....

i was gonna cry...

but why?... i just couldn’t process the jumbled up emotions that i was feeling at that moment in time... so i went over to a secluded part of the departure hall shopping area... where they stored all the handicapped wheel chairs by the stairs... away from the flow of people coming and going...

i took out my phone and called up my good online friend once again... and while trying to explain the strange moments that just happened that morning...

i just couldn't hold it in anymore......

so i let myself cry then and there sobbing uncontrollably like a little boy.....


:-(


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