Monday, July 21, 2014

Snap 2.0...


see that funny looking thing at the bottom of the snap?

that's my finger  duh!   :-p

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Bump & Grind...


video

this is what dreams are made of...

and this was in fact a dream of mine that i had as a young boy...  

i did go through a certain period of my so called “Britney, paris and Lindsay” party animal days....  and the dream was to actually dance.. (and when i say DANCE.. ... i mean BUMP! AND GRIND! ON THE DANCEFLOOR!!!  ALL UP IN YO FACE!!! “D@NCE”!!!!) with a hot guy in a club... 

and to put things into perspective just what the story of my life has always seemed to be like ... here is an excerpt from a past post called “match the following” :-

"an extremely hot guy in a tanktop i saw in a banging gay club walked up to me just to ask if i was a girl or a boy... he even checked me out to see if i had boobs (yes i was fat and had man boobs...guilty as charged)" 

and another excerpt from another past post called “where i belong” :-

“and when i would hit the dance floor to start my " bump and grind" session.. guys would actually SLOWLY MOVE AWAY...and some would actually stop dancing altogether!!!!am i that repulsive??? am i just not "HAWT" enough to be firing up the dance floor??

and that was just 2 of the many countless occasions that made me realize that i may be cursed for life to never "bump and grind" with a hot guy.. Ever in this LIFEtime!!!!

so as i was wanking off to this particular video the other night from my “great vault of porn”... it was more than just a hot shirtless guy dancing sexifully on screen in front of my very eyes....

it was a moment's "high" of living Ecstasy... 

it was an uncontrollable feeling of something so far beyond my grasp...

it was me and him making sweet spicy JUICY love on the dance floor...

it was just me and him... and no one else...

it was also was a reminder of how a dream of mine will never....... and most probably....... won’t EVER..... come true...

and  to me... that’s just sad... because i still have a whole lotta life left to live... yet somehow i feel like somewhere down this windy road called “life”so far.... i have given up on a dream....

or maybe this is just the start of me... pretty much giving up on actually living "life" altogether...

:-(


Sunday, July 13, 2014

Moonlight Affair...



Just like a moon above the clouded skies…
I can’t really see it but i know it’s still there …
Far from a distance it shines a beautiful light…
Makes me feel like i'm having a "moonlight affair"…

It makes me smile…
It makes me feel good…
It makes me feel lots of things…
Like all good things should…

So i bask in this feeling, and be happy for today…

Just remember that i am special, and love will find a way…

~ by N!loC ~

Friday, July 11, 2014

Under Your Umbrella...



when Monday blues don’t unnecessarily  fall on a “Monday”... things could get a lil’ emotional more than usual for me...

for instance...

it was a rainy day...was in the car.. listening to Mariah... and saw a couple walk by... the guy was holding up an umbrella like the perfect gentlemen that he was... and then...BAMM!!

(flashback to when i was a lil’ kid)

there was a time when my brother’s friend’s friend would pick me up from school and send me home every day ... and as a young kid... it was a very awkward time... where i was super shy...(hmmm “Was”?)... (i still am shy...hihi) ...

and i remember descriptively one rainy day... he was actually waiting for me right outside the main school entrance with a big ole umbrella ela ela eh eh eh...(couldn’t resist...)

and since it was raining quite heavily... i guess he was gentleman enough to escort me personally all the way to the car quite a distance away... now... the moment i can still re-live all wonders of emotional intensity with fluttering butterflies about... was the moment i stood under his umbrella.. and he automatically put his arm around me................

(*faints like a dramatic damsel in distress....)

yes..... ## years later.... i still “faint” when i think about that very moment..

it was one of my very first physical experience with a guy... gosh... lame as it sounds... that’s the closest thing to any sort of “boyfriend action” i’ve done in my life at this point so far... and as i think about  him... hmmm sure he was kinda cute... real skinny... nice ... quiet kinda guy... and me....i was just a kid...

without any shadow of a doubt... i already knew then...deep inside that i had a very special “attraction” to guys...

one arm around me as a simple gesture of kindness... it was a “little thing”.... and that stuck through me all this time somewhere at the back of my memory bank... and on a rainy Monday blues' day that didn’t quite fall on a Monday... that’s all it took to remind me of the awesome moment i experienced ## years ago...


(** number of years are written in “##” because i don’t want to backdate myself... :-P)    

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Dear God...



dear god,
i’m just not strong enough...for time after time... the hurt gets too much to bear...

dear god,
walking this road alone...for as long as i have... feels like my life just isn’t fair...

dear god,
i take this rare moment...to ponder about this... and perhaps just stop and stare...

oh god,
as i close my eyes...i ask... why doesn’t anyone out there seem to care...

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Sunday, July 6, 2014

I Died...



in my room...
where i wake up...
where i think...
and where i sleep...

of all the things... 
that life has done...
to my heart...
to make me weep...

lazy days...
and lonely nights...

are far from this summer breeze...

sitting here...
at this moment...

feels very much a disease...

wondering bout life and all i have not lived...
seems bittersweet and so untrue...

it's another lazy sunday afternoon...

it's like i died...
and nobody knew...


~ by N!LoC ~


Thursday, July 3, 2014

Maybe...



i recently just discovered that a guy that i work with has hit it off with a really pretty girl down at the legal department in our office... and i found it utterly blasphemous!

why??? well call me bitter... or even jealous... but seriously ??? why is it that everyone seems to just have it so easy - to like someone - and then – suddenly – BAMM! they’re officially dating??!!!

(why can’t i seem to do that?)

see... the moment this new girl started working here... everyone teased how pretty she was and how she would be a good fit for that guy... i know it was just all in good humour... but really?? that is just too easy!!!!

with all the recent things that have been happening with me in my personal life... (or lack thereof...) ... i just couldn’t help myself but over analyze the situation as to why can’t i get a firkin boyfriend of my own?

maybe it was because she really just epitomizes the general description of “pretty” so maybe that’s why she gets it easy... like a super "guy magnet"...

or maybe the guy was just so determined to get her and really went after her like... “Aggressively” – (come here baby!) ...kinda rawwr!!?

MAYBE that’s why he was noticeably dressing nicer these days with his new pair of shoes... and new preppy looking polo t’s or even with his new jeans and stuff?.. ( i literally scanned him with my elevator eyes up and down from his flat ass to the hardwood floor and back up again to see how great he looked in his marine blue skinny jeans) and immediately caught myself feeling an inferiority complex kick in...

i thought that maybe if i dressed a little more like him? with a little more pop of color or perhaps lose a little more weight and be skinnier... or whatever stupid thing that my “ugly duckling syndrome” mind could think of while waiting behind him to use the photo copier machine still evidently staring at his skinny blue jeans ...

you know? guys in the past have written me off at first glance... by how i look... or when they see that i act a “certain” way... or find out that i like certain “kinky” stuff... and just most recently... a jerk went all “poof!” (into a cloud of disappearing smoke) on me...at the very first time he heard my predominantly “gay” voice over the phone!!!!!...

(HEY! I CAN’T HELP IT THAT MY “GAY-esque” VOICE IS EXTREMELY MAGNIFIED x 10... OVER THE FRIKIN !!!PHONE!)

and to think... that jerk actually said that he genuinely found me more and more interesting and unpretentious and would really like to go out on a date with me... well... i guess personality and total indifference to physical appearance- preference doesn’t matter at all... If u have an utterly “Gay” voice over the phone!)

yes... ladies and gentlegays... this jerk i’m talking about was actually a fatty and was bald and he was still in his prime 20’s!!! and i totally didn’t mind one bit because he seemed like a perfectly good guy! (or so i thought...)

anyways.... (sigh)... i am trying my best to just not let this get to me... but after countless brutal let-downs and moments of “really?? is this REALLY HAPPENING???”.... i just can’t help but wonder...

the same thing can't possibly happen over and over... time and time and time again....MAYBE there are guys out there (behind all their superficiality and immature nonsense) who are actually decent... but really... i can’t help myself but to honestly wonder if it could really be this plain and simple...

that "maybe"... Just "MAYBE".... there’s just something wrong with...


Me... 

:-( 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

I Only Wanted...



Mariah Carey ~ I Only Wanted 


"foolishly i romanticised... someone was saving my life"


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