Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Fly Again...




i am in a place between heaven and earth...

where my feet are planted firmly on the ground... and my head still up in the clouds above...

looking up to the sky... i feel that i am one with the birds flying freely through the open air...

i hurt myself many times before... i fell so fast and fell so hard... tumbled down and lost myself...

this time around... i have mended my broken wings... because wounds will heal and scars will fade...

and now i am ready... to learn how to fly again

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Lazy Afternoon (I Die)...



so it’s 4pm
and i still feel beat
baked a cake again
but it ain’t that sweet

i’m pretending to be
“i feel great!” ... (i’m fine)
but the next thing i feel
is so out of line

so... i watch “the proposal
wish that i could hold ya
what the hell i’m thinking?
my mind so awfully freakin

alone again...
so bored again...
want more again...
so i find someone new

what's the time?
i feel all alone
it’s 4.49
as i sit at home

wondering what to do
since like half past 2

i feel i die...
baby i die...


~ by N!LoC ~



Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Too Far...




you shine your light on our oceans apart...
glimmering bright, such a #beautiful star...
tonight is the exception, you have stolen my heart...
but the fact remains that you’re just too far...

too far to touch...
too far to hold...
too far to tell...
if love can unfold...

up above the world so high...
like a diamond in the sky...
twinkle twinkle little star...
the fact remains you’re just too far...

~ by N!LoC ~

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Safe And Sound...





Jessica simpson once said in her “true Hollywood story” that the event of September 11th brought everything into perspective... and she was actually referring to her break up with nick lachey...

they were at different places when the time that tragedy happened...and despite both of them having a very public “split”... that was what it took for her to realize that life was too precious to be estranged from someone who truly meant the world to you...

we all know how that fairy tale relationship ended... but for some reason... the “dumb blonde bimbo” in me will always remember that insightful anecdote from her...

when i experienced a minor car crash a couple of years back... i lived to see the day... and was contemplating about my very dramatic and misunderstood “friendship” with someone i once knew...
 i wasn’t exactly in speaking terms with that person at the time... but after the crash... my heart somehow found a way to just completely forgive and forget all the horrid things that were said between us...

so as i ponder about the extreme situations and tragedies that can bring 2 people closer together...

i think about September 11th...

and how glad... that someone who i truly care about... is all safe and sound  

:-)


Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Snap...


hello there !

tattoo! tattoo !

i'd like to be that strap around his back...

Sunday, October 13, 2013

My Little Black Book: Comming Out...




"...every now and then... i find myself doing a little soul searching about why is it just so hard for me to find a decent guy to call my own... and in this particular episode of my life... i looked back on my experiences with guys that just make me wonder... where are all the good guys...?"

PLAYER  ~

this "christmas tale" explains it all and it included 3 boys that welcomed me during my coming out experience ... it was a cringing feeling to question... if this was really how the gay dating scene is like ? and i was thinking that it was all a fluke and hoping that there were better guys out there..  (boy was i wrong...)


GRINDR BOY ~

yes... he was one of the first guys i decided to meet up with after finding him on grindr... he seemed so interested in me and he was practically begging and pushing for us to meet up and so i caved in and eventually did... but when we did meet up for drinks ... he just took one look at me and i saw how his facial expression drastically changed... (let’s just say his face didn’t exactly light up)...

his body language was like all “i’m ready to leave”... and so he just fumbled on his iphone as i tried my best to be polite and make conversation as he just sat there not making much eye contact and texting non stop...in the end he just yawned... and said he was feeling sleepy... he told me he had to run and catch a movie with some of his friends... (like did that really just happen to me????)

that night... when i got home... i was pissed and angry about what just happend and was just feeling-out-loud... and “maybe i” was what i came up with...


CRAZY PSYCHO ~

after my episode with grindr boy... i decided to try my hand at a less sleazy gay social app and found this guy who again wanted to meet up almost instantly and me trying not to be so “once bitten twice shy” i just went ahead and put myself out there again...

we met up for dinner at my favourite stake house and he started it off with a huge childish lie... saying he was there waiting for me when he was actually not... and then i kinda freaked out because i had this feeling in my gut that i was being pranked... and warned him to stop playing this stupid game... and when he came in... he had this totally pissed off bitchy face...  and i then suddenly realized that he wasn’t the guy on his profile pic... he looked really really different!!!! ...

and it just only went downhill from there... he was like a totally different person than in his chats... he was like super bitchy to me ! yet ... after dinner he invited me to go home with him and “hang out” in his room... but i politely declined and said no... and he had some choice words for me later that night when he messaged me once he reached home... (i think he said something like i was useless and pathetic or something... oh well)

he was such a pathological liar....he lied about almost everything...! i noticed that he used a samsung phone but asked if he has an iphone because he apparently used an iphone to snap his “selfie” profile pic which was obviously NOT him... and he kept changing his tune when he said he was straight...

(errr? if u r straight.. then what are you doing on a gay social app?)

 his answers were like changing tunes of a 4 season orchestrated symphony ranging from ... 

“i’m experimenting and looking for a mutual masturbation buddy”...
to... “ok... i think i'm bi”...
to ...“i'm straight and eventually want to get married and have a family”...
to ... “i want to try and be gay with you”...

i think he must have changed his sexual orientation about 5 times in the course of 2 days...gosh.... i’m getting a headache just typing about this... there’s a whole lotta crazy out there i tell ya’!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Friends And Lovers...



there’s a fine line between friends and lovers...
and that line is finer when there’re all gay...

you could find a new guy tomorrow...
though you already have one today...

if you read between the lines...
and figure out what it is they say...

it will come to no surprise...
they just naturally want to stray...

~ N!LoC ~

**DISCLAIMER : to all the fabulous gay guys reading this... it is in no way a bashing stereo type of gays... it is just observation through my own personal experiences...

Sunday, October 6, 2013

I Had A Dream...



I was at an outdoor party which was (half wedding reception - half barbecue cookout) and this venue was at an open field just outside my childhood home from where I grew up… there was this long table filled with crazy over the top cakes and sweet desserts very reminiscent of the one like in ALICE IN WONDERLAND in one area of the field …

there were a lot of people at that party and most of them were ex classmates from high school… one in particular came over to me as I was grabbing my piece of cake from the dessert table and talked to me (something that I can’t recall exactly) but I think she asked me if I had anyone special in my life?

Then I walked away from the table and saw these two hot hunky bollywood actors wearing loose black fashion tanktops with neon pink writing on them (very gay indeed!)… I kept staring at them as they went and took a seat at the “alice in wonderland” dessert table and made a totally contemporary “last supper” kodak moment

Here is where it gets weird…

I suddenly then find myself on some sort of wacky tea cup carousel carriage, riding around the outer fields of the party and do u know who was suddenly sitting right next to me in my tea cup????

Jc chasez !
(my heart just skipped a beat – both in my DREAMS & in my SLEEP!)

He was sitting beside me in a black muscle-t tank top just like the one he wore in that black & white music video “gone”… he was sitting in a way that made my arteries constrict!!!! (leaning back sideways towards me just slightly with one arm stretched out on the back of my tea cup seat indirectly wrapping his amazing arms around claiming me as his territory!!!) And with him being in a tank top and all… he was practically exposing his beautiful ArMpit all up in my face!!! For me and only me to see!!!

an imaginative example

He then started talking to me like as if we have been bff’s forever and about how he had a crush on this girl at the party … but all I heard was just “bla bla bla... bla bla... bla bla” because my eyes were just glued at his epic tantalizing nonchalantly oblivious exposed aRmPiT :-p (drool)

(Usually I wake up from my dreams with a sudden…. POOF!!!)

.... but this time I just opened my eyes slowly and took a deep breath in and found myself feeling a rush of blood to my (private parts) and I slowly woke up… still feeling the adrenaline rush from sharing a seat with jc chasez in a tea cup carriage… (sigh)

* * *

jc chasez from N’SYNC is one of my all time celebrity boy band crushes which until this day I still have the jiggly wiggly hots for… he is one of the very few who just epitomizes the term “Tall Dark & Handsome

I was so curious about my recurring weird dreams that always seem to be about coming back to school or ex classmates and male celebrities that I googled it and found a dream interpretation site to find out what these particular things and scenarios meant… and the possible interpretations did surprise me indeed…

“a dream about a PARTY may indicate a need to be more out there to start enjoying the company of others…”

“to dream about your OLD SCHOOL or  EX CLASSMATES indicate that you need to draw on old associations to gain insight to some current relationship… it represents a past lesson that you have learned and is applicable in some aspect of your walking life now”

and lastly…

“to dream about a CELEBRITY CRUSH usually indicates that you have someone in mind that you idealize as to what you want as a partner”

urgh !... all three descriptions were so dead on about what I’m currently experiencing in this moment of my life…

:-)

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Say Goodbye...



i forgive...
and forget...
but it still hurts me this way

i just live...
never met...
and won't wait for that day

still take my love for granted
when it was all i ever wanted

elusive...
i bet...
say goodbye
i'll be okay

~ By N!LoC ~


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Snap...


i like what i see....

this is my only focus....


now this guy was hard to snap... mainly because he had an extremely clingy girlfriend who had a weird japanese porn star "baby talk" voice

but i maintained my focus.. and cut out the bitchy girlfriend of his....

suddenly this janet jackson song comes to mind.....

"ooo if i was your girl... oh... the things i'd do to YOU..."

(janet jackson..."if")

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