Thursday, December 22, 2011

Snap...



robocop vision : target identified


my name is N!LoC... and i'm an addict...

i'm addicted to .....TANKTOPS...

call me a pervert...

call me a sexual predator...

call me whatever you want...

i accept full responsibility for my actions...

but i just wanna state ... that i was not always this way...

this just happened after i got my iphone...and candid "snaps" became so conveniently discreet and easy...

oh santa... all i want for christmas is to touch and kiss that lovely bicep of his...

i have been a very good boy this year... i swear...

:-)

Monday, December 19, 2011

Not Good...




i know for a fact that i was "born this gay" ...but if i could blame someone for it.. i could hypothetically blame my mom...

this is my hypothesis:-

when i think about it... she made no secret of wanting to have a girl after giving birth to 2 boys back to back...i heard stories from cousins that my mom was always hoping for a girl when she was pregnant with me...and well..all i have to say is... be careful what your wish for ... because you just might get it..."just might"..

when i think about it..there was an incident when i was like 7 and my mom bought the KATHY SMITH and JANE FONDA aerobic vcds.(yes..ancient video compact discs)...and when i tried to watch them and try them out my mom stopped me and freaked out...and said "don't watch that!!!...it's not good!"...

what in the frickin hell?? i was so bloody confused...what was not good? trying to discover a healthy habit at an early age of keeping fit with aerobics?? or...... WATCHING KATHY SMITH DO POWER SQUATS IN HER TOOTH FLOSS LEOTARD?... (that incident took me quite a long time to figure out)....

when i think more about it...there was a time when the SPICE GIRLS ruled the world.. and i proclaimed my self as a SPICE boy for life... "GIRL POWER"!!!!....she at one point asked me as if it was such an unsolved mystery..."why do you only like girl singers...it's not good"???...like as if It was a "bad" thing...making me feel like i only liked "sexy female singers (keep in mind i was discovering all the pop goddesses of the 90's at that time..)PAULA JANET MARIAH WHITNEY TONI CELINE SHANIA FAITH ...

and if you are thinking ...(what?? CELINE?? SEXY???) ...there was this moment where i watched CELINE'S music video (immortality feat. the bee gees) and CELINE was wearing a low cut victorian pompous dress that showed the slightest hint of her HUMONGOUS BOOBIES (gotta be sarcastic)...and my mom said "don't watch MTV...it's not good"...

hmmm??? don't watch MTV...? or don't watch CELINE dress remotely sexy???

ok.. so let's round it up....

watching KATHY SMITH and JANE FONDA do squats in a leotard is "NOT GOOD"!!!

being a worshiper of the SPICE GIRLS is "NOT GOOD"!!!

seeing CELINE and all her seXXayyy with the bee gees is...(say it with me )

"NOT GOOD"!!!???

i also recall that she had a talk with me one day saying that having a girlfriend is not important (well ...at least she didn't say "NOT GOOD"!!!) because i guess she suspected that i was such a suave playboy ..because i always hung out with the girls in school..

gosh oh gosh....

i guess i don't blame my mom for me being gay.... i am who i am ...because i just am.....
but i'm just saying..... she didn't really paint a clear picture as to why girls in general were just...."NOT GOOD"????

but i know .... i like boys...boys are "VERY GOOD"!!! hmmmmmm

Friday, December 16, 2011

If I Let You Go...


sure american boy bands are all cute and hot...

but euro boy bands had their fair share of sex appeal and (tanktop-wearing) hotties... BOYZONE...TAKE THAT...CODE RED...BLUE...5IVE...

but only one boy band holds a special place in my heart...

yeah.. maybe it was because i was going through my dark years of depression...(i self diagnosed my self because according to oprah... i had all the exact symptoms) or maybe i was also suffering from spice girls withdrawal (they just broke up DAMN GINGER SPICE!)...so i had to come to terms with understanding what i was feeling when seeing these boys...and those beautiful boys were called

WESTLIFE...

believe it or not.. they are actually still around today... and planning a final tour before they officially call it quits...and i was lucky enough to see them in concert 2 decades ago (YIKES I'M OLD)....and it was actually my very first official concert i attended...so i kinda lost my concert-virginity to them.... (blush blush)

here is the weird part....the day after the concert i slowly realized i couldn't eat...i couldn't sleep and and i couldn't even attend school one day because i would be on the verge of tears for no apparent reason in class...and i lost close to 20 lbs in like just 2 weeks until my mom got so worried she sent me to the hospital to get a blood test and health checkup...(the lady doctor even jokingly asked what my secret diet was ? because she wanted to drop 20lbs in two weeks too!)

i used to listen to ALL their songs and always shed a tear...(yes corny.. i know) but as i said.. i was going through depression.... probably any sad love song i listened to turned on my water works.. i guess mainly... because i was in despair..worrying about myself if i was going to be alone my whole life... i didn't really come to terms with being GAY...(i still thought it was just a phase..and i would eventually "like" girls and get married or something)... so this was really my first male idolizing experiencing... (right after MARIAH and THE SPICE GIRLS)

i stopped following westlife right after their 2nd album...because i was in a weird place in life and decided not to let the depressing years resurface...

i don't have any of their songs in my ipod because listening to their songs would only bring back the memories of those dark years... (and my memory is a scary one...) any song i listen brings me right back to the exact day and exact feeling ...so it's best that my westlife cd's remained untouched...(ooo i can't believe I'm putting this video on my blog...it brings me right back ...)

"if i let you go".... the music and the lyrics.... speak for themselves....





Westlife ~ If I Let You Go


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A Christmas Tale...


once upon a christmas time...

a charming PLAYER swept ME off my feet...i fell hard...and i fell fast...

but to my dismay... i learnt that he had a HUBBY...

and he also told ME that he was still in love with his X...which he said was his "1st true love"...

on the night before christmas... his HUBBY spent the night with A "friend" which made PLAYER crazy jealous!!!

so PLAYER found refuge with ME over a midnight chirstmas phone call and said "i love you"...

HUBBY was feeling suspicious of PLAYER and talked to X about a few things...

so they both went to ME to clear some things up...but we all found out the truth about PLAYER!!!

PLAYER was using ME for recreational purposes playing ME like a complete fool...

HUBBY had enough of PLAYER'S dirty little ways and broke it off with him...

and then almost immediately... HUBBY tried to hook up with ME!!!???

i didn't want anything more to do with these crazy boys so i cut them out from my life "cold turkey"...


good riddance for bad rubbish....


Monday, December 12, 2011

I Say...



Kimora Lee ~ Life In The Fab Lane




some people think they know but they have no idea...

they just say things like "gay people choose to be gay"

who are they to presume that it's a choice?

i simply say... "i was born this way"

 ~ N!LoC ~




Friday, December 9, 2011

Long Distance Relationship...




i was having a conversation today with a gal friend.. and we were talking about ...her...(as usual)...and we stumbled upon the topic of LDR (long distance relationship)...

she was worried because she could possibility be in one soon... if her boyfriend decides to take a job in a different country..(not that far) but still ..it's a neighbouring country across the pond...

and she was saying how her ex boyfriend just broke up with his girl because... he too , was in a LDR..after he relocated to a different country for work...and the inserted excuse for the breakup was because she....

"fell out of love"....

and then ... my friend said...

(dramatic pause)

"i knew they wouldn't last...because long distance relationships never work"...

now... keep in mind... i am in a long distance relationship myself .. and for her to say such a blatant remark like that knowing damn well that i am in a LDR was un-called for.. and she didn't even try to do damage control... i just kept quiet and nodded my head and went along with it...

now... i have never been a believer in LDR's but since i somehow got myself into one (call it fate? call it destiny? call it being at the right website at the right time?)... i might as well try "my best" and go "all the way" with it... even though statistics prove differently..

oh.. how exciting it would be ...if her boyfriend had to relocate and i get to watch her go through the trials and tribulations of a LDR... she still has yet to acknowledge my very own LDR and not once has she asked me about it... i am practically a LDR veteran in the making...and i learn something new everyday!

LDR's.... it ain't easy i tell ya !!!

but someone's gotta do it !!!

:-)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Another Hallmark Moment...



and it grows...

"i can't get you out of my mind...i keep thinking about how much i enjoy talking with you...how great you look when you smile and how i  like your laugh...i daydream about you off and on all day...replaying pieces of your conversation...laughing again about funny things you said or did...i've memorized your face and the way you look at me...it melts my heart every time i think about it...and i catch myself smiling when i imagine what will happen the next time we're together...you must be something really special because i can't remember the last time i felt so strongly about someone... even though neither of us knows what the future holds...i know one thing for sure...you're one of the very best things that's happened to me in a long time..."
by Renee Duvall

just another excerpt from a hallmak card... really nice....

Monday, December 5, 2011

Last Christmas...



you know that song... ?  the one that goes....

    "last christmas, i gave you my heart... but the very next day... you gave it away."
i heard it a few weeks ago at the mall.. and it hasn't left my head since... because it just brings it all back... this was about the time last year..where that actually happened to me...

i have no hard feelings anymore ... i can proudly say that i have moved on...but still...something just doesn't seem right this december...

is christmas really the most wonder full time of the year?...if it is... then why do i feel like the grinch ? dreading christmas... just like how i dread valentines day ..?

i guess for me... this christmas is a time for reflections...the year is coming to an end... and a new one will soon begin... i try to think of all of the things that happened last christmas..

the people i've met...

people who i thought i could call my friends...

and my coming out moment that was a whole nother drama...

"ti's the season to be jolly"    :-)

"it's a time for giving"   :-)

but... "last chirstmas i gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away"   :-(

Friday, December 2, 2011

Top 5...



top 5 reasons why i watch DANCING WITH THE STARS:-


5 ~ i get to see professional male ballroom dancers shake their booty

4 ~ and after they finish a dance.. they are usually breathing hard and glistening in sweat

3 ~ rehearsal footage is always a treat because you get to see them TRAIN and take CONTROL

2 ~ watching it makes me fantasize about being a contestant being paired up with one of the male partners grinding up against his hot body during the samba

1 ~ their latin ballroom outfits usually consists of tanktops or unbuttoned shirts ...(shirt optional)

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Love Muffin...



this is probably one of the best MARIAH parodies ever done..

back in 1999 ... when she was hot stuff...mad TV did a parody of her heartbreaker (remix) video and i have to say... that deborah wilson did a brave thing to strip down and imitate her...

the original music video features da brat and missy elliot and snoop dogg with a sleazy car wash...mud wrestling and you just can't help but get a little annoyed at the director who loves focusing the camera on her ample cleavage...

and the mad TV parody is actually a spoof of an MTV TRL request segment (remember that show?) ...with deborah wilson actually singing with bunch of drag kings playing dress up around her ...

the last part where she goes into that sustained 5th octave high note cracked me to tears ..LMFAO




Mariah Carey ~ Heartbreaker (Remix)






Mad TV ~ Love Muffin (Remix)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Snap...


i spy... with my teeny little eyes... something beginning with a "T"....


my eyes going into crazy robo-cop vison

and if you answered TANK TOP.... then you are damn right...!!!

i actually feel kinda like a creep for photographically raping this guy with my camera phone (oh iphone how i love you so..) but he was just in front of me...and he was just standing there being all nonchalant sexy... unaware of who was behind him....

what was i supposed to do? .....(giggle giggle)

so i flipped out my iphone like one of those classic western shoot out movies....snapped a pic and posted it up on my blog... i kinda feel guilty... but hey.. i'm just doing my part as a humble humanitarian... spreading the beauty of this man... sigh....(faint)

well..all i can say is... lucky for him that i didn't rape him with my imagination... (someone could have gotten hurt...giggle giggle...)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Burning Desire...



hoRny as hell...

i'm obsessing about xxx...

good xxx...

bad xxx...

dirrty xxx...

clean xxx...

romantic xxx...

primal xxx...

and the list goes on...

but i'm in a loooong distance relationship...i wanna get intimate but he's just not within my reach... and with every random guy that i see wearing a tanktop... i just yearn for it....for physical contact...

when i want something... i want it all...and i want it NOW!...and the desperate housewife in me is kicking into 5th gear.... the hornyness is way past the stage of (the rock woody in my pants) and the (frisky deviant fantasies in my head)...

i almost feel like a sexual predator...(gosh ... i think i watch too much LAW AND ORDER : SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT)

this feels like chasity...but i actually am allowed to jack off... but beating my wood is just not enough...

my flower is in full bloom and it's burning....LIKE HELL....

word of advice especially for people who are dating online and are in long distance relationships....

be prepared for the:-

wanting...

needing...

waiting...

---------**

yearning...

burning...

(f.y.i that's a line from a MADONNA song )

Friday, November 18, 2011

We Found Love...


if i was rihanna...

i would definitely take a totally different direction on the music video WE FOUND LOVE.. because once again i think that it's a complete waste to project a music video a bit too far into sex, drugs and getting high which totally takes out the simple melody of the beautiful song...

i actually don't mind her being all sexy and showing skin and letting it all hangout... but sometimes... it's just frustrating to see such a nice song being paired up with a suggestive music video...

i always had a love-hate kinda thing with rihanna... i still haven't accepted her in my temple of eternal worship of pop divas...

just when i was beginning to like her for ONLY GIRL (IN THE WORLD) ...she then comes out with cheesy annoying S&M....(i mean how many songs can u possibly sing NA NA NA ? ? ?)

hey...don't get me wrong..i do love my dose of kinky s&m but rihanna can churn out some of the nicest and crappiest songs at the same time that just makes me feel puzzled as to how the hell a song that annoying can be top 10 billboard hit? (f.y.i she is catching up with mariah with most hot 100 billboard no.1 singles)

MARIAH - 18

RIHANNA - 11

well....lady gaga's EDGE OF GLORY is another perfect example of a great song with a beautiful melody.. with a crappy latex "pretty woman" gone wrong music video that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever...

(sigh)....gone are the days of good ol' diva ballads and spice girls pop



Rihanna ~ We Found Love


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I Had A Dream...



universal studios

i had a dream last night...

i dreamt that i was at universal studios... i'm not sure which one.. but i'm guessing the one in singapore.. because i have been dreaming of going back there all the time...

i went with 2 other guys..... my boifriend...and a blogger i follow online ... hmmm ...let's just call him "STEve urkel"

so... the 3 of us were lining up in the queue for some lame pony carousel ride...me and STEve urkel started talking about who was the bigger dare devil and he was boasting about how roller coasters don't scare him at all and if i recall correctly ... the exact words he said to me were ..."if you want to try that ride don't worry bout me....i'm in!"

and once we got to the entrance of the ride...the ticket guy told us to use the toilet before we get on the ride...

(here is where the weird part begins)...

my boifriend and STEve urkel went into the toilet with me then suddenly disappeared...i went into one of the cubicles and started to pee....just realizing that the cubicle walls were a tad to low and i could see what was going on in the next cubicle beside me...i was feeling insecure and shy because someone could possibly see me pee!!!

and as i started to pee... an old security guard in full navy blue uniform came into the next cubicle and started to pee....

i looked over to peek at him..and suddenly another old security guard with white hair suddenly popped up in a cloud of smoke and started to pee beside the other guard...IN THE SAME CUBICLE!!???

and as i was feeling more and more and more insecure while i was peeing.... i turned around to try look for STEve urkel and.... POOF.........

i woke up....

i don't know why i have so many recurring dreams in the past with "peeing" scenarios in toilets with extremely low cubicle walls... hmmm i guess it's because i always had a fear since i was young that someone was gonna  walk in on me peeing or just jumping over the cubicle wall to sneak a peek at my pee pee....

Monday, November 14, 2011

Chinese Boys...



chinese boys...
"boys... boys... all type of boys...black white puerto rican chinese boys...
wai tok' tai'ya toyo taia tai !...wa tok tai'ya toyo taiya tai !"  (missy elliot)

well....that wasn't exactly "chinese" missy elliot was rapping in her song WORK IT but i always love rapping along to that silly line...

hmmm speaking of chinese boys... i think i have a new found appreciation for the chinese flavour.. and just so you know.. i have always been physically drawn and attracted to the "caucasian" guy ever since i was young... don't know why...?

but i know for a fact.. that ever since i started dating my boifriend who happens to be a RICE QUEEN...(a homosexual male of non-asian descent who is predominantly attracted to asian males)...he has inadvertently opened my eyes as to how yummy chinese guys really are...

i started to notice this urge in me to check out chinese guys...their skin tone..their complexion..their sexy natural black hair...and honestly... chinese dudes are generally just so damm cute...there really is something so alluring about the "chinese boy" that keeps me intrigued...

if you are not asian... you might have a hard time telling the real difference between korean... thai or japanese... chinese... vietnamese from chucky-cheese :)

but all i can say is... there is a reason why my boifriend puts chinese boys at the top of his preference list...and i think i might have to reconsider my own preference list because i think i might have to do some re-arranging ..

this is not my coming out as "STICKY RICE"... (a homosexual asian male who is predominantly attracted to asian males) ... this is just me...liking all guys... all flavours...the whole enchilada...

i also like potatoes...but i'm no potato queen :)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Match The Following...



 

i find it hard to believe that some of the things listed below were actually said to me by people close to me from all walks of my life...from the "confusing" childhood years...the high school "hell" days.. the "self discovering" college years..and even things that just happened fairly recently...

i won't point out who said what...(where is the fun in that? *giggle giggle* )...so just try and MATCH THE FOLLOWING statements to the possible people who said it...


with all the possible matches...even if you choose correctly or not... one way or another..it's a heart break 

*are you a girl or a boy ?

*don't be friends with him... he's abnormal...

*why did god even create you and put you on this earth!?

*don't make that face.. "you think your so handsome"?

*you're so emotionally cheap..no medicine can cure you...

*why do you always like girl singers?

*it's the way you dress...the way u walk...the way you talk...

*you're cute... but not that "kind" of "cute"...

***

close friend A (girl)*

college classmate (queen)*

extremely hot guy in a tanktop*

co-worker (girl)*

 my brother*

close friend B (girl)*

x classmate (guy) in high school*

my own mother*

Monday, November 7, 2011

Hallmark Moment...



the seed has been planted


"since we started hanging out... it's been one good thing after another...getting to know you has been so easy... so uncomplicated...so natural that it just feels right...some relationships have alot of drama but with us...things just click...we have so much in common and when we do find the difference...teasing each other is just part of the fun...i don't know where we'll end up... but i do know one thing...i like you for the person you are and our good times together for what they are...nothing more... nothing less...than the best carefree time my heart has ever known..."

by Catherine Slater


this is an excerpt from a hallmark card... thought it was really nice...


Friday, November 4, 2011

Mr. Firefighter Deux...



this is part 2 of the post..(so here is PART1 incase u missed it...)

***continued

and so i tip toed over there like a silent ninja...silent step by silent step... i just wanted to take a closer look at his body...i saw his smooth chest moving up and down breathing in and out ....i’ve never been this close to something so beautiful in my whole life??!!!...to be this up close and personal with a half naked man this early in my life...gosh it was as if i was dreaming...!

then without hesitation.. i moved my face closer and closer...i was drawn to him like a moth to a flame...my burning desire...(his right hand was tucked behind his neck exposing his shaved pit)

i made sure i held my breath so my exhale wouldn't interfere with my ninja like presence..

and as i was face to face with his exposed armpit... i took one deep...slow...and long breath in....

and iNhaLeD in all his manly ness ...(he just showered so his trace of manly pheromones was all clean and fresh...darn it!!!)

and if that wasn't enough... i felt greedy..and just needed to touch .... i needed to touch it... and so ... i slowly reached my hand out and ...well...i was running so high on adrenaline and what was going through my mind was...(if i touch him? and he wakes up?... i have to think of an exit plan?)


and so my excuse if he woke up was going to be just me wanting to wake him up to inform him that tutor lady was still not here yet!.. (good enough exit plan for me i guess)

and so...i did what i wanted to do....

touched him... skin on skin....i touched his exposed pit (it was orgasmic!!!)...then i layed my hand on his chest (it was euphoric!!!)....my hands as light as a feather and then HE made a MOAN!!!!...

but my hands were still glued to his chest ...

false alarm... (phew !!!)

and just like that...all good things must come to an end...

i heard lady tutor's car pull up out side and i quickly took my hand off him ...blew him a kiss....and tip toed back out of his bedroom ... and back to the dining table to open my books and pretend as if nothing happened at all...

i used to be such a horny little devil...(sigh)


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Top 5...





the top 5 (non MARIAH) songs that were soundtracks to my life...


Vonda Shepard ~ Baby Don't You Break My Heart Slow



the ally mcbeal years..(sigh) such nostalgia...this was just another song that made me think about the "love games" someone played with me..and one PLAYER in particular played me oh so well..


***


Gloria Estefan ~ Your Picture



my very first crush in college..corny as it may sound... it might have easily been "love at 1st sight" with rob...it took me a good 3 yrs to completely forget about him... and this was the soundtrack of my 3 year "getting over you" season.


***


Mellisa Etheridge ~ Down To One



after countless online acquaintances and friendships with guys from all over the world... it would always end up void and this was the song that totally stopped me from going through the whole online dating thing ever again...but lucky for me... i never really stopped trying :)


***


Shakira ~ Underneath Your Clothes



when i was a horny little devil during my teenage years.. i would pass by beautiful guys and secretly rape them with my imagination...and this song was usually playing on my ipod when i "romantically" raped them...


***


Paula Abdul ~ Rush Rush



ahhhh the echoing coos of paula abdul and all her desperation... how could i not relate to a song about ..being dramatic.. and being needy ...and extremely impatient for desperately wanting a lover to "rush rush" to me??? till this very day i still abuse the repeat button when i listen to this song.

Monday, October 31, 2011

The Lonely Bug...





the lonely bug
  
maybe i just have too much time on my hands.. or maybe it's because i have always been prone to the feeling...

but i always find myself getting bitten by the lonely bug ever so often...

looking at random guys at the mall and i think to myself "oh he's kinda cute"... or .. "oh wow he's sexy"...and i get this flush of emotions hitting me like a wave...

i suddenly feel down... and sad and borderline depressed...

loneliness is a feeling i just know too well...

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Mr. Firefighter...




once upon a time when i was a little kid ...

i was taking afternoon one on one tutoring from a lady who’s husband was a firefighter...

he always came home from duty right about the time i usually start my tuition... but one monumental day... my tutor lady was not home when i arrived for my session...so mr. firefighter told me to wait for her...

he was still in his uniform..(i assumed he just arrived home) and he went straight to take a shower..

a quick moment later he came out from the shower...in just a bath towel around his waist..

(i can't recall if he had a 6 pack but i definitely remember him being oh so slim with a tight flat stomach) and he was rather short ..


but he was definitely manly cute...(i guess good things come in small packages)

every week when i was there ... he would always arrive home in uniform and go take a shower immediately..and ALWAYS came out in just a towel...

but that day... what happened was pure temptation... he put on a pair of shorts and went straight to bed... WITH THE DOOR OPEN...(keep in mind the dining table where i sat was diagonally adjacent to his bedroom) and so i could see him sleeping there all layed out on the bed...

5 minutes turned into 10 and tutor lady was still not back from wherever ...and mr. firefighter started to snore !!! 
(a light bulb went off in my head... as i remember reading somewhere that when a person snores... it means they are already in a deeper stage of sleep)

my heart started to race...



 i got up and tried to sneak a peek at the sleeping beauty...he was layed out on the bed... shirtless ...


one hand on his tummy and the other hand tucked in behind his neck exposing his shaved pit...

i just stared at him... relishing one of my very first encounters with a half naked man right in front of my very eyes.....i just had to do something more.......

i was determined not to let this moment slip out of my hands without even grabbing a hold of "it"....


*** to be continued...

(click for PART 2...)

Monday, October 24, 2011

I Had A Dream...



Kylie Minogue ~ Aphrodite Live 2011


i was at kylie minogue's APHRODITE LIVE concert ....(a concert i attended just a few months ago...)

except ... this was a new tour... and the weird thing was that i went with my mom...

halfway through the concert... i felt a burst of anxiety shoot through me...

i turned around and looked that the stadium was about 85% empty...

and kylie was starting to look bored and un inspired...

the concert props on stage started to disappear slowly ...

the hot male dancers started running off backstage....

and kylie stopped smiling....

(i've had much more weird, cynical, deviant, and gruesome dreams in the past..but when i wake up i sometimes forget them almost instantly... so... i guess what ever dream i have... i'm sure to make a note about it on my iphone notes app and make sure it gets to make an appearance on this blog...)

:)

Friday, October 21, 2011

Where and Why...



Hal Sparks ~ Queer As Folk

where is the good in people? 

why is there only H8 i see?

i feel like everyone is so judgemental...

why can't i just be me ?

~ N!LoC ~

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Ugly Duckling Syndrome...




ugly duckling syndrome (UDS)

i was unattractive as a young teen... i had low self esteem and was so insecure with my self.. it didn't get any better during high school...and it remained that way all throughout college....

i was flubby and down right ugly ...well...i was just ..."FUGLY" (a "meangirls" moment)

since then i have lost weight...and i am finally skinny and lovin it... but somewhere at the back of my mind... i will always feel the ugliness... and i still don't consider myself "attractive"...and if i even try to accept that...my reflex emotion would tell me "oh i'm so conceded"...

the other day my boifriend sent me a text and called me ..."handsome"...

what was i to think?... i thought he was mocking me..i thought it was a joke...i didn't believe him... (sigh)

this is just one of the small consequences of having UDS...maybe through his eyes... i'm "handsome"..but i just don't see it one bit...my mindset has been programmed during my early years growing up... "i'm ugly ....i'm ugly...i'm ugly..." so when someone suddenly throws. .."you're handsome" in my face...i just don't know how to take it in....do i say ..."thank you"??? (oh so conceded)....

i'm sure if i had a boifriend like him when i was in my teens.. i would have earned up some points in the self esteem department..and probably wouldn't be this way today..
 

Monday, October 17, 2011

Smile...


when there are clouds in the sky... you'll get by

it was just a simple smile.... ...even though it was from someone i hardly knew.. .. it was so refreshing for a change..not many people still randomly smile to me nowadays...

and that just totally made my day... it reminds me that there are still people out there in the world who actually still have a sense of social decency..

i have people i know ..people i see.... everyday......relatives...friends (or people who i thought were my friends) just pass by .. and pretend i'm "invisible"... 'ignore" or even just look the other way...

i never knew a simple smile could totally change my mood for the day.... his smile is still lingering in my heart...and the person who smiled at me was just a guy... not a crush.. not a hunk... or anything.. it was just a guy.. i had my hair cut by him a few months ago at a salon where he works at.. and i was suprized he still recognizes me

he's not gay.. he came with his girlfriend... it really doesnt matter ... a smile is still a smile....

straight or gay... with girlfriend or no girlfriend...

it was still a smile from the heart...

Friday, October 14, 2011

Like A Virgin...



chirp chirp!...tweet tweet!.....


i guess i still consider myself a virgin...technically i haven't had xxx yet... and my definition of xxx is : getting nekkid with another man... rolling around in bed together...(and doing @n@l xxx)...

now.. i have never ever been fond of doing the "hokey POKEy" in that area... thinking about it doesn't even turn me on... but i always have had this perception in my mind that because I'm gay... that means my passage of life is for me to experience f*ck*** and taking it up in the @ss...at a certain point in my life one way or another...

because i always thought... if i never do that... i would be considered a VIRGIN....which isn't a bad thing really.. (i am a dying breed you know?)... but after watching that silly movie...THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN...i developed a fear of turning out like one of those older people who hasn't "done it" yet...just as some girls have their tickling time clock for what age they want to find a husband ...get married.. have kids and settle down...

my ticking time clock is telling me to GET LAID!!!! before it's too late ....

but i have had my share of semi borderline sexual experiences.... a one night stand (that didn't last the night)...and a hook up in the men's toilet...(not my proudest moment.. but i never regretted it either)
and on both instances... there was no "kissing"..."blowing" or f*ck*** involved... (just some other things i probably shouldn't mention)

so... am i a virgin?

... yes i think i am... but maybe I'm in the special sub category of "HALF @SS VIRGIN"?

i've been there twice... had a peek... but never went all the way... so i'll be singing that madonna song as much as i want for now......because i am can...

Monday, October 10, 2011

I Did Not Love...


"shame on YOU if you fool me once.. shame on ME if you fool me twice"
                                                                                                             (Life Goes On ~Leann Rimes)

i take the word love** very lightly nowadays because the guy who "played" me threw it in my face just after 2 weeks of knowing me...and for a split second.... i almost believed him..

i was just so high from the euphoric (wow, someone actually likes me!?) and the (could he be the one??) feeling that i was totally blinded by his toxic ways and the signs of "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU"
he really never once asked me about my day... or how was i feeling or...even try to get to know me a little better...i was the one doing all the "getting to know you" part...

and now that i look back on it... it was such a "one way" thing with him...i was just a little too cheap and needy with my emotions..i should have played the GAME OF LOVE like my friend always told me to ....but i threw my pride out the window for him.. i was just being me..."easy, breezy, beautiful, cover girl "me"

i call my self stupid for how i could be so blind for a guy but with every bad experience... i learn something new and grow from it..and i actually feel thankful for him doing what he did to me... not all 1st experiences have the "rainbows and butterflies" effect...it was just so demoralizing to have my 1st borderline boyfriend experience turn out the way it did

this song practically sums up everything that happened and what i was feeling...

keeping in mind love** was not something i felt for him.. because i have this description of wordless feelings in my mind of what i think love "is" and "should be".... and with him....

 it didn't even come close...




When You Love** Someone Like That ~ Leann Rimes & Reba McEntire


Thursday, October 6, 2011

Iphone 4s...




apple FINALLY made the announcement and sprint is FINALLY gonna carry the iphone 4s and it will be available next week...

i have been waiting to hear this news for months..and this just means that my boifriend is finally gonna get his hands on an iphone...and all the wonderfull miraculous apps that the digital era has invented to bring people like "us" even closer...now i'm gonna have free internet voice calls courtesy of viber..and 24/7 instant messaging conversations via whatsapp although right now.. it still hasn't sunk in.. but i think my dating life is gonna change drastically too! because it's not easy being in a long distance relationship with someone whom you met online..with just emails...windows live chat...and skype video calls...and the occasional internatioal sms (that isn't always reliable)

i really do feel that this is gonna change my life for the better...because i don't have the privilege like other normal relationships where you can hold each others hand..or go to the movies together or have an impromptu dinner night out at a restaurant ...

i'm very aware of the statistics that long distance relationships usually never work out...but i guess when you know you've got something special there...you would do anything to try and make it work...

as he would say.. "just have faith..and give 'us' ..a chance..."

cloudy days BEGONE!!!

sunny days ..HERE I COME!!!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Top 5...





the top 5 reasons about why i think TODAY is a good day...
5* today is the start of my monthly TOP 5 post...

4* today is one day closer to the big "apple iphone announcement"...just four more days...ooooo i'm gonna faint!

3* today is china's national day...

2* and children's day... and...

1.* it's my birthday...

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Men Oh Pause...



in a few days.. it will be my birthday...and that only reminds me of how the years really do fly by and how "old" i really am...i definitely don't look my age... and i definitely don't FEEL my age....although my head seems to be popping out random strands of silver hair..

the last time i checked.. my boobs and butt are still in place and gravity hasn't tried to weigh them down yet...(thank god)
but one thing i've noticed this past year...that is just too obvious to ignore...is my lack of horny-ness...it's been on the decline ever since last december...

lets just say...if i was a car...

i would get a "tune up" online ...on a regular basis... i really did enjoy servicing myself....car..

but lately... i just don't have the urge to get a "tune up" that often ...sometimes i even get through a whole week without a car jackoff...and my record for (longest drought period) was 2 weeks ..close to 3....

(and please keep in mind that i don't send my car to a random hot guy for a one night stand  workshop for "servicing".....because i self service myself... i mean my car....

oh dear... am i going through menopause???... or how i like to spell it ... "MEN OH! PAUSE"

because i used to be such a horny little devil...but now i guess i just have to adjust to the natural changes that my body car goes through......(oh whatever.... giggle giggle)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Dont Touch My Body...





touch my body?? i don't think so....

i've always been that way ..for some strange and quirky reason.. i don't like people touching me...

i hate shaking hands...(only because i give the most horrible "jelly fish" hand shake in the world)

i hate hugging... (only because..my whole body cramps up like a rigid broom stick when i get hugged)

i hate when people get too close to my face...(only because i don't want them to see my pores and all my other complexion imperfections)

i hate when i get a pat on the back...(because when i do... i try to shake shake shake shake "shake it off")

all this goes hand in hand with my other dysfunctional quirk...and that is i don't like showing my body...AT ALL..

the last time i wore a short sleeved T-SHIRT in public was back in 2003..and the last time i wore a tank top in public was when i was a kid riding my bike ..(it had support wheels so i guess it was a tri cycle )
and in grade school when we had to wear the usual yucky school uniforms... i kept fidgeting on my top shirt button.. because i felt that it was too.."low cut"....(lame ... i know...)..and i couldn't button it all the way up.. because when i did...i was called a "NERD" within a minute...

and when i dropped something on the floor... i would pick it up (with my hand holding my top button.. because i didn't want anyone to sneak a peek through my "low cut" shirt (lame..i know...)..all the girls laughed at me when they saw me do that....

i was soooo glad when i finally got to senior high ..thats when we started to wear ties...and while all the other boys (and some girls) in class all had that rugged loose collar and tie "cool" look going on .. i was one of the few that had my tie as uptight and secure as possible...

f.y.i. i also wore undershirts under my uniform ...because i always thought they were just a teeny weeny bit "see through" ..i didn't want to risk my nipples being outlined in broad daylight...(lame... i know...)

gosh.. now it all seems to sound sooo lame... but believe it or not.. i still do carry some of these strange quirks till this very day...i only leave the house in long sleeved buttoned up shirts...preferably made out of 2-ply cotton (and not too low cut)..usually in jeans...(never in shorts).....and not to forget my UV-ray shield skin primer with spf 50++

and as katy perry would sing....

"you need spf 45???....just to stay ...ALIVE???..."

that's a line from her song... "ur so gay"

.....how fitting ??
 
 

Sunday, September 25, 2011

WTF Moment...





i thought i could refrain from being a bitch and not post my whatsApp drama on my blog...but sometimes when drama gets too ripe.. it needs to be plucked... and freshly SQUEEZED!!!!

in my defense.... my iphone was on silent...and so i didn't hear any "ding dong" , "ring ring" or "brrrrr brrrrr" (thats translation for vibrate)...

and i did not see any questions asked ...only random ramblings..... unless "she" was expecting me to go..."ooo...ahhh...oh really?? oh wow?? ..."

some people think the whole world has to revolve around them.... gosh...

gimmie me a frickin break...

and yes... my aunt FLOW just visited yesterday....(thats translation for me having my period)

and yes... i need to go change my tampon now :)


Friday, September 23, 2011

Tweety Bird...



i was at a food court the other day in the mall.. sitting by my lonely self.. just taking my own sweet time finishing my meal and doing the usual rounds of day dreaming... and i picked a seat at the furthest spot in the corner waaaay back...

there was a little tweety bird that was unfortunately stuck flying about there trying to find a way out from the mall... that didn't phase me at all.. i tot that birdie brought a nice "nature" ambience to the food court...

and just as things always go in my life.... out of allllll the people that it could have flown over...it had to swing by MY! corner and make a round... just to drop some POOP on me!

i wanted to just stand up and look up into the heavenly skies and scream "WHY!!!!!"
seriously ...why ? ... why me?.... why does it always rain on me?? (in this case.... POOP!!)

i've had many instances where there was a cartoonish cloud of rain that was just only following me around ... just to pour on me.... i recall specifically... when i was going through my crazy CLUBBING days...(i used to party like paris hilton... because it was just sooooou hawt)

i was at this club.. the crowd was starting to fill the dance floor...and i dragged my gal friend to one of the podiums to do a little "bump and grind" ...i was having fun.. oh baby baby... then suddenly someone tapped my shoulder...

it was the bouncer... and he had this to say to me......

"ladies only"

(insert gasp!!!)

and i was escorted back to the ground with my tail tucked between my legs.. and my humiliated party mood shot dead... (f.y.i this happened at the center of the dance floor where everyone.. even the 2nd floor balconies saw the entire thing!)

and that little tweety bird that just pooped on me... just made me have a flashback of that whole drama...

isn't getting pooped on by a flying bird bad luck???..(sob sob)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I Like Boys...



i don't quite miss the boyband era...but i do remember what they made me feel.. especially when you had to pick your favorite one out of the group.. and out of all the boy bands that i grew up listening to... only one stood out... and that "band" was O-TOWN...

this was the only group that all 5 boys totally and completely turned me on... because they were all my type!!! usually the recipe for a typical boyband would be...

~the hunky one
~the cute one
~the sensitive one
~the crazy one
~and the occasional gay one

but for O-TOWN... i got...

~the pretty angel faced HOT one
~the ethnic flavoured HOT one
~the skinny gangster HOT one
~the i'm so beautiful i even dare to wear an invisible tank top HOT one
~and the double dose of dark chocolate HOT one

they were all so un believably hot!!! and most of the times they were in tank tops.. (my kryptonite...ahhh!!)....

O-TOWN's biggest hit was a song called "liquid dreams"...and watching that music video always made me feel a little...err... how should i put it delicately......hmmmmmm...

O R G A S M I C !!!!!!!

i guess they call themselves "O" town for a reason....

f.y.i....i actually shed tears when i saw their 2nd music video "all or nothing"....simply because THEY WERE SO DAMM HOT!!!.....


O-Town
 
N Sync

NKOTB

BSB

98*


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Iphone 5...




 "mirror mirror on the wall....will apple release iphone 5 by end of fall...?"

with the iphone .. i can be connected through WHATSAPP! 24/7... it's pratically the best chat app for a smartphone out there now and ever since i got mine.. it practically changed my life for the better! 2 of my gal friends have been bugging me to get an iphone ever since they got their iphone 3gs a couple years ago...and it was easy for them to brag because THEIR BOYFRIENDS were the ones who bought it for them..!!!

(f.y.i.both gals are no longer with their bfs) one strayed away and "fell out of love" and the other gal played the "game of love" too much untill her guy had enough and called it quits...but looking on the bright side... they both still have their iphones as freebies..(aswell as numerous louis vuittons and gucci)

i actually bought my iphone 3gs from one of them when she decided to upgrade to the iphone 4 and it was definately the best purchase of my life...!

ok, whats WHATSAPP ?

http://www.whatsapp.com/

i am connected all day everyday with them..what they have for lunch...they post a pic and show off some fancy shmancy restaurant they are eating at and give live updates about how she just had mind blowing sex with her new bf and how she did the 69 position and how she loved his pinkish dick as comparison to her last bf's dick skin tone...and sometimes i do actually feel sick and tired of them bitching and gossiping about other ppl and useless topics

so when i need some some piece and quiet..i just press the "silent" button...(which i do every night before i go to sleep) because those 2 bitches can be amzingly inconsiderate waking me up in the morning to start the daily gossip and prevent me from getting my beauty sleep (i know i sound like im bitching about them but.. i still love my WHATSAPP!!!)

another app that i'm dying to try out is VIBER!

http://www.viber.com/

free calls to anyone.. anywhere ..anytime!!! and with me and my boifriend doing the whole long distance / online relationship thing... this one will definately come in handy... once he actually upgrades his extinct palm pre to the iphone 5..

thats..... IF..... the iphone 5 actually gets released this year... i don't think i can wait any longer...


the waiting feels like chasity for me!!!!

Monday, September 19, 2011

About Me...

i'm trying to smile.....i swear...

i'm N!LoC and that is me...it took me an hour of camwhoring around and i probably snapped 50 or more pics and finally narrowed it down to the best 3...and i finally chose this one...

i'm an eternal  MARIAH fan who fell in love with her the moment i first heard "DREAMLOVER" on the radio...and when i heard "FANTASY" ... well you can say the rest is history...

i'm gay , single and always up for a mingle and still in the closet..(only came out to a few close friends recently) ...so in other words... i'm gay**(BETA version 1.0)

i have been writing since i was young and had many personal journals as a kid.. but i threw them all away one day because i had a "moment" where i thought i had to let go of my past and just look towards the present and future... so now i found a creative outlet in blogging and i actually think it's kinda voyeuristic to blog for the world to see.. and here are just some of the blog posts that tell you alot more about me :-






all your comments will be so greatly appreciated :-)


N!LoC



Sunday, September 18, 2011

Sexy Boy...

isn't it amazing how some boys can just grow up and blossom into some of the most beautiful things you have ever seen?

i was watching a promo about the season finale of TEEN WOLF and they showed a glimpse of some hot brunette guy held captive in some dark place which looked like an underground prison cell all tied up and getting tortured ... (F.Y.I any chance i get to indulge in some shirtless male bondage on cable tv... you can count me in!)

and it just so happened that i recognized this familiar face who is the main character in that show... i know i've seen him somewhere before... in some movie.. and i was right!... it was MAID IN MANHATTAN...and that little kid who played J.LO'S son is all grown up and is now equipped with solar panels on his stomach (solar panels = a 6 pack..and if anyone has more packs than that... i'll just call that a chocolate bar)

his name is TYLER POSEY...he was all cute and adorable in that MAID IN MANHATTAN movie..

yummy !!!
but if i could add one more adjective to describe him now...i would say...
yummy !!! (but this time i really do want to eat him...)
makes me wonder... will i ever transform into a beautiful swan or will i be the ugly duckling for the rest of my life... ?
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