Sunday, December 4, 2016

The Whole Truth...



as i suddenly recall my very first date with a guy... at the tender age of sweet 16... (him 24)... as we went to watch Halloween: resurrection...  (yes... i just back dated myself and you can do the math and roughly sum up my present age as of this published blog post...)

the one thing i remember vaguely was that during the movie ... at one point he actually tried to slide his hand up my thigh... (but never made it past my knee)... i honestly didn’t know what was going on or what he was trying to do... i was just dumb ole innocent virginal naive me... thinking he probably didn't like using the arm rests on the chair...

fast forward to a similarly bogus experience last christmas as depicted in this blog post...

and top that off with the first and only date of 2016.. (which could very well be my last for now...) also depicted here in this blog post...

**yes... i went on what seemed like the almost perfect date...up untill "when i declined... his true colors showed"... yes.. people... yes.... he just wanted xxx... that's why he was so nice to me the entire time... "and the oscar goes to".....(roll my eyes....)

i can’t help but wonder...

am i just gonna be screwed for life ?  i mean ... how many toads do i have to kiss ? or more practically ... how many jerks do i have to meet ? to finally find a decent , sane guy who is ... (for a lack of a better word...)..... n i c e .... ?

i have gotten the hang of this whole... “im fine being alone and single for life” mentality... but deep down... i just can’t escape the raw emotional feeling of my burning yearning  little boy soul telling me that...

U really need a boyfriend in your life to be happy... and without one... U will never ever truly feel complete...

and there’s no fighting that feeling... because i know that is the WHOLE truth and nothing but the TRUTH...


Tuesday, November 22, 2016

What Makes Me Stay... ?



Look at me...I'm in a place
I never thought I'd be...

Don't have the strength...To dream anymore
Or a reason to believe...

So tell me why I still keep holding on...
To something I just cannot see...

What makes me stay ?
When a love falls apart...
What makes me try one more time ?
When it's not in my heart...

At the end of my rope...When i can't find any hope
i still look inside and say...

I just can't walk away...
wonder what makes me stay...

I'm not afraid...Of living alone...
I’ve been alone for oh so long...

I've been so down...Many times before...
But this time's not the same...

I've always been the first to say “hello”...
Now it's the last thing I can do...

What makes me stay ?
When a love falls apart...
What makes me try one more time ?
When it's not in my heart...

At the end of my rope...When i can't find any hope
i still look inside and say...

I just can't walk away...
wonder what makes me stay...

When it goes this deep...And feels this strong...
I can't convince myself...That there’s nothing wrong...

what makes me stay ?


~ By N!LoC ~

Monday, October 3, 2016

Twenty Nine...



i realized at twenty nine...
that love was just too hard to find...
them other boys find it so easily..
but not for ugly duckling boys like me...

they get their very own rice-queen...
the sugar-daddy kind... supposedly...
guaranteed a life of company...
and all the perks of shopping sprees...

they get the one who was close to me...
became his prince (i thought i’d one day be)...
and now i’m left with a world so grim...
to have to share the same gym...
with him...

oh i try my best to hide my fears... through these awkward smiles of tears...
while they take perfect photographs... they look so good it makes me laugh...
it makes me feel... ugly as can be...
a little ugly duckling boy... like me...

i realized at twenty nine...
no matter how hard i tried to find...
the love that comes so easily...
to other swan boys...
not me...


~ By N!LoC ~


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