Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Deja Vu...



(continued from "Hot Buff Tanktop Gym Guy")

nothing.... 

or maybe nothing YET? ..AHA!

so as i kept doing the crazy over the top ocd checking my phone every 3 seconds thing... i went to triple check back on my out going friend requests to see if my request was actually sent ... (you know how it is with facebook... big social networking websites make mistakes all the time right?)

there was no out going request...  i knew facebook screwed me over... so i went over to hot buff tanktop gym guy’s fb to actually send my friend request and this time actually click it real good... but there it was...before my very eyes...

the “+ add friend “ option was not in dark grey but in LIGHT GREY... and not available for me to click anymore...

that was it ... i got my answer... i don’t know if he blocked me. or clicked ignored ... but c’mon... who’s kidding who?... that’s basically the same thing in my book...

i was like a moth to a flame ... burned by the fire...

all these questions ran through my head... why? how come? why not? what if ? but ?... i mean... if my hopes to step out of my shell and comfort zone to go out and get what i want overpowers and blinds my gut instincts then i think that maybe it’s best i just stop this whole thing...

this whole thing of... hoping that maybe... just MAYBE.... there will come a day when i catch a break from all this crashing and burning... one jerk after another... no rhyme or reason... it just is what it is.... my jaded love life... that just doesn’t seem to be able to exist in this lifetime... or any parallel universe...

in this world i live in... every one is a jerk... and everyone is a heartless bitch... (that may not always be the case)... but that’s just how it seems to be for me... so i guess that’s all that matters ... because then that becomes my world...

this is my world...

and for the very first time as i was walking the aisles of the grocery store.. i noticed something different about myself..

i didn’t even bother to look around and scout up and about for cute guys in tanktops or just cute guys... or just GUYS in general... i’m too beaten down with what the cards of my love life has dealt me... and now in turn i've become too afraid to lift my head up high to even look at the cute guy who is helping me bag my groceries...

as the days went by... i found myself looking the other way...

away from guys in tanktops... why even look at them ? what’s the use in dreaming? ... what’s the use in hoping?... what’s the point of putting on a smile ?

i don't even trust myself anymore... maybe i just long for something so much that what is see is some sort of possibility in everything... a young boy at heart with virginal optimism for the outlook of love... when in fact i'm just probably looking at guys who just see me in complete disdain thinking that i'm just a creepy dick that likes to stare at guys or something...

and honest to god... as i proof read and type out these last closing words to this blog post... i just had a deja vu moment where i know for a fact that this was supposed to happen... i had a flashback of looking at the "+ add friend" option turning light grey... feeling my heart just sink to the ground  and waking up from a dream or something... 

if this is how my life is supposed to play out... fine then....

life... just play me...

:-(

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Hot Buff Tanktop Gym Guy...



there was this hot guy i was eyeing at the gym for sometime... and only really noticed him in detail when he started to join my regular LATINO JAM classes... i mean even before... when i saw him working out the weights in his Abercrombie t shirt (with sleeves)... i noticed he had a face that i was attracted to... and a body that would make any gay boy’s jaw drop... from time to time... he would glance at me... and i would glance back with my poker face... trying to ignite my gaydar to check if he was giving me any gay vibes...

the weeks went on.. till the day he wore a TANKTOP to one of the classes... and that was when i would zoom in on him at the back of the room... admiring his amazingly defined arms and shoulders trying so hard to concentrate if he had any side pit hairs peeking out.... 

i stared at him.. he kinda stared back at me... i stared just a wee bit to long for comfort.... and had to look away because if i stared at him for even a split second longer.. i would have melted into a puddle of glitter-glue...

during the class when we did 360* turn moves... i turned around and caught a glimpse of him raising his arms and yes... his pits... (Although were completely shaved)... were indeed a parallel beauty to heaven...

one sweet night ... fresh after writing a burning post called “I DON’T”... which now i see that i wrote a line ...

 "I DON’T want to take chances with anyone anymore..."

it must have slipped my mind because... what i was feeling was definitely a crush towards him.. and i haven’t had a crush on anyone in a looong looooonnnnnnng time... so i said to myself... i don’t think i would be able to get him off my mind until i know for sure... if he is even gay or not... i somehow tracked down his cell phone number through a zumba class whatsapp chat group and cross referenced his initials of his whatsapp profile name TC... and did a 6* degrees of separation search on facebook... i know his first name is definately  "thomas"... because the dance intructor did call out his name once saying "hey! thomas! good to see ya bro!"...

(im realizing how this now sounds a whole lot creepy and stalkerish as i type it out.. but hey whatever ... a girls’ gotta get some answers ya know? lol) 

i actually found his fb profile... (and my god... he looks so much better in person... his pics don’t do any justice for him at all..)... i scanned through his “likes” , public photos , groups , fb friends  and videos faster than Robocop could scan though a bad guy with a weapon... and secured all the hard facts that makes him 99.9% gay..

1 gay mutual friend in common – check

cheeky pose in a tank top at the gym selfie – check

bright colored flowery t shirt with sexy as hell “top gun” aviator shades selfie – check check

but once i saw the fb pages that he was following which basically consisted hot shirtless guys... i think it was more than safe to say that : 

“AFFIRMATIVE... SUBJECT TARGET IS GAY AND FABULOUS”

and before i clicked  “+ Add Friend” something went off in my head... a flash of my future with him... all the endless possibilities... but strangely also... flashes of danger signs... and i thought whoa... what if he doesn’t even approve my friend request? i mean... that’s really my face on my fb profile... i go to the same gym as him... and now most days the same latino jam classes... what if things were to get awkward ... i don’t want to shit where i eat!.... (in this case... flirt with fire where i go exercise)... 

but i also promised myself a long time before... after my very first crush of colossal proportions... "Dear Rob" which i never even got to find out if he was even gay or not... which took me way too long to get over and not blame myself for not having the guts to find out when i still had the chance.. and never got to know all the “what could have beens” with him...

so i took a leap of faith... and played a shot of Russian roulette and sent hot buff tanktop gym guy a friend request on his fb... and to make sure i won’t obsess over this and drive myself crazy checking my phone ever 3 seconds to see if he approved my request... i gave myself... 3 WORKING DAYS... (that’s a Friday – Saturday and Sunday) for him to approve my friend request... if not... i would just have to accept the fact that he may not want to know me and so i would have to cancel my friend request...

i didn’t even have to give him 3 working days.. because the very next morning from the moment i woke up ... i was already checking my phone every 3 seconds to see if i could get to see the notification that could possibly change my love life forever...

and what i saw was...



Sunday, March 5, 2017

I Don't...



if i close this door ... will another door open? .... well one can never be too sure

because i have closed one too many doors already and i felt that keeping this particular one ajar was really  my last resort that i trust and had a great track record with...

well it’s not turning out to be the case anymore...

i just don’t know what to do... people don’t seem to be who they really seem to be... they tell you one thing one day and then just forget about you the next ... NOBODY seems to be real anymore...

NOBODY !!!

i throw caution to the wind... i am weary of the fake-ness and listen to my gut instincts always... but i always feel like a complete FOOL when i get hurt by someone... I DON’T even know being a complete jerk towards me and all...

I DON’T want to feel that way anymore...

I DON’T want to take chances with anyone anymore...

i just DON'T...

(and to quote that new Mariah song...)



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